News February 15, 2005 Rash of recent aircraft laser incidents blamed on gay nightclubs White House refusing to pay American POWs tortured by Saddam during the 1991 Gulf War from a $1 billion settlement already awarded from lawsuit filed in 2002. Claims Iraq isn't bad anymore, therefore they shouldn't get any money Reba McEntire concerts do not qualify as medical expenses Penis enlargement company gets sued by man with small penis Couple goes on vacation, blasts rooster over loudspeaker at 2:00 am to wake up neighbors every morning while they're gone In their latest attempt to ensure their customers can't understand what the CSR is saying, Dell to create new tech support call center in Scotland Three-decade study suggests that flu shots have not saved even one elderly person from death State governments consider new taxes that punish hybrid-car drivers for using too little gasoline If you're going to vandalize your boss's house, don't broadcast it live on the radio Want a career in identity theft? Just call up Choicepoint and buy all the personal data you need. Choicepoint apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause Wild turkey flock moves to town in time for world's largest turkey barbecue Milwaukee Brewers plan ticket-pricing strategy that roughly translates to jacking up the prices whenever anyone good shows up Mayor announces that people who've sued the city are now blacklisted from doing business with the city. Of course, that prompts another lawsuit The best way to get out of jury duty: Make certain that the accused is on trial for killing you Nicolette Sheridan sends her sushi back to kitchen; gets banned for life Think you have cancer? Get the results before commiting suicide Prince Charles might run into trouble marrying his horse, thanks to a 169-year-old law U.S. Senate working on revising bankruptcy laws, removing Chapter 7 bankruptcy Even though they can't breathe, think, walk and are in tanks filled with liquid nitrogen frozen at -320 degrees, the cryonics companies would prefer if you didn't call their live-in customers dead No idea how you cram 25 people into a duplex, but these guys did it Cheap sex and cigarettes make bad Valentine's Day gifts. Unless you're Britney Spears UFO sightings pour in as U.S. flies drones over Iran Ad for prom dresses in "YM Magazine" turns up link for teen porn site. Publisher has no plans to pull offending magazines, claiming teens already know where to find porn on the Internet Humans are only 20 years away from achieving immortality U.S. spends $300 billion to elect Iranians to rule Iraq High school swimmers surprised at suspension after giving coach Gatorade bottle full of urine. Gatorade spokesman states, "It was in them" When posting a story on hare hunting, having a pic of two dogs humping is probably not the best choice February 1, 2005 AP Falls for picture of a 1/6 scale action figure portrayed as American hostage. Ohio Supreme Court justice cited for drunk driving at two in the afternoon While looking for Bloody Mary mix, man who only makes coffee from beans notices for the first time that Nestle has been using his face to sell ground coffee for 16 years. Turns down their tiny settlement offer, wins $15.6 million Man who tatooed profanities in japanese on unsuspecting customers does it again, this time on unsuspecting inmates National Institute of Health scientists, after careful study, conclude that young people are more likely to take stupid risks and get killed The Rock, Hollywood's newest action star, calls out Tobey Maguire as a rooty-poo candyass Coors shareholders vote to merge with Molson, creating watery beer giant Woman sets fire to apartment block to avoid paying rent; says the plan looked much better on paper If your 12-year-old kid gets bored, don't let him try out a new ski mask at the airport Hospital accidently gives man a bag with a frozen human leg in it instead of his recently deceased father's belongings Former President Clinton put in charge of Tsunami relief effort, immediately questions definition of "in" charge Woman gets 18 months probation for selling imaginary Duff beer over the internet. D'oh Thieves use snowfall as cover to steal 43 car stereos in a single night -- without considering that police can easily follow footprints in the snow Woman returns home to find husband in a "passionate embrace" with family dog. Is more shocked when man declares his love for the dog and tells wife where the door is Having the Super Bowl in Jacksonville is like the having the Oscars in Sacramento New Hooters airline looking to bust out of its regional market. Business analysts say it's one of the breast business plans they've seen in a while A&E bets $195 million that PG-rated Sopranos re-runs will be as good as the originals One hooker in your hotel room: $200. Two hookers and twice the fun: $500. The assistant attorney general of Florida getting mugged, beaten and pepper-sprayed by two prostitutes and their pimp: Priceless NYC cops capture teen who shot and killed actress last week. Suspect "was whining like a little girl" when arrested Man faces charges for flying over a camp ground, dropping bags of flour on paintball players German woman loses unemployment for not taking prostitute job Mom drops off baby at daycare to drink at bar next door. Mom forgets that daycare closes at 6:00 pm, staff closes daycare with baby inside. Head of Spike TV fired for attracting too many female viewers, says press release issued from clubhouse with "No Girlz Allowed" sign that doubles as Spike's HQ McDonald's worker admits putting glass in cop's Big Mac Mexican prison inmates complain of "subhuman" conditions, such as being deprived of pizza, flat-screen TVs, cell phones and sex Football fans taking out home-equity loans to finance trips to the Super Bowl. "Sometimes the cards are maxed out and you gotta do what you gotta do" Texas researchers shocked to find that abstinence programs are failing to prevent teens from having sex Bush to raise military death benefit from $12,420 to $250,000, retroactive to the first day of Afghanistan War In Hollywood, you can get a lifetime achievement award at age 30 Thirty-six percent of high school students think newspapers should get government approval of stories before being allowed to publish January 28, 2005 Russian -- found with 100 pounds of depleted uranium in his car -- tells agents he used it for weight training. Topless sunbathing in California? Yes, please When is a tax increase not a tax increase? When it's a doubling of the security "fee" surcharge on airline tickets Winning the war on drugs: Student takes Aleve for menstrual pain, gets sent home. Finally, a zero-tolerance policy that makes some sense U.S. leads world in rate of STDs. We're No. 1, we're No. 1 Blaster worm author gets 18 months. His first girlfriend experience will not be working out as planned If a company erects a telephone pole on your property without permission, don't build your house around it, then complain afterwards Man fails to see irony of the work involved in robbing three banks in one day Sacre bleu, ne mangez pas cette chevre, Pierre. Mad cow disease discovered in French goat Russia to give mailmen guns. Man, struck by car, being held responsible for damages to the vehicle by owner because he didn't look both ways before crossing the street No one in Detroit can figure out what smells so bad. Typo leaves gas pumps charging only 18 cents per gallon, with no attendant on duty. Despite lack of functioning Tilt-a-Whirl, U.S. food company warehouse is an "amusement park for rats" Town in Rhode Island cancels spelling bee because it "violates No Child Left Behind" Man starts matchmaking business. Hundreds of men paid to date their perfect match... the business owner's wife Rule No. 1 for a successful robbery career: Do not return to crime scene for your forgotten gun. Stations that dropped Howard Stern find their ratings plummeting After 20+ years of encouraging rednecks to smoke Winston cigarettes, NASCAR makes two left turns and signs Nicorette to sponsorship deal New Mexico to pass "right to eat enchiladas" bill Man, scampering around on all fours imitating Gollum, touches 750-volt third rail. Darwin doesn't care for Gollum imitators USA Today publishes 60-column-inch treatise on the MILF phenomena, entitled "Mommy Hottest" CNN experts agree: Al Qaeda leader (Bin Laden) is dead or alive. Legislator tries to get police department that arrested his son abolished Ernest Hemmingway bought the house near Key West's lighthouse so he could find his way home when drunk It's still legal to masturbate in your livingroom in Canada So, a woman walks into a police station with a live grenande... Any prank call that ends when a SWAT team accidentally storms a house has to have a dumbass involved Moron bitten after sticking hand into tiger cage. Tiger may face death Students find $100,000 stash, share it among themselves and parents. Drug dealer who owned stash wants it back and is paying house calls to make his point. Read the story now or wait for the movie Oregon college student rents two apartments, one to live in, one to grow 365 marijuana plants Help porn star Tera Patrick find her lost dog. No guarantee of a gangbang as a reward U.S. soldiers giving lap dances to break Guantanamo detainees Morons freak out when they can't get their lattes after water contamination closes all Starbucks in Phoenix. "I'm desperate. I don't even care about the water, I'll sign a waiver" Eighteen nurses pregnant after rest-home Viagra party. Company that fires employees if they smoke, even at home, now targeting employees who are too fat. Next on the agenda: Targeting employees who fart too much or watch too much porn A vocal Serena Williams defeated a vocal Maria Sharapova. Afterwards, I enjoyed a cigarette Devout Baptists so shocked by unintentional porn film that they watch it all the way 'til the end Travel agency email offer for special tsunami fares comes complete with a picture of people running from the waves Emma Bunton (AKA "Baby Spice") still using giant vibrator given to her by another Spice Girl. Sometimes the headlines just write themselves "The driver said, 'Kids we've got porn, do you want to watch it?' Everyone started shouting yes, yes and he just put in a tape and we watched it on the small TV screens on the bus" If your $139k school salary isn't good enough, smuggle drugs to Texas Judge uses his own version of "gag" order. Orders officers to duct tape defendant's mouth December 14-16, 2004 Jenna Bush, presidential daughter and party girl, wants to teach disadvantaged children in D.C. elementary school. If nothing else, the presence of her Secret Service contingent will make it the safest school in the country Nebraska newspaper says local school district has a rule banning the word "Christmas." Townspeople regret letting Pitchforks 'N Torches store close their doors so long ago Pope condemns violence, disappointing the members of the "Pope Says We Should Smash Stuff" Club Wearable, cheap and flexible solar panels can be sewn on fabrics to charge cell phones and DVD players Estes Park may oust councilman who refuses to say the Pledge of Allegiance before council meetings "Tyson completes sentence." He actually put nouns and verbs together properly for the first time Finnish labor unions fighting for Santa and elf rights If you're trying to sell stolen keyboard at music store, make sure the owner isn't there to replace missing instruments. Leaving drivers license at scene a bad idea, too Caesars Atlantic City Hotel fined when employees turn the security cameras on "selected parts of the anatomy of several females." In their defense, they claim they were concerned someone might be hiding an ace in the hole Gillette rolls out new battery-powered women's shaver named Vibrance. Let's think about this marketing scheme for a moment Karla Homolka, one of Canada's most notorious psychopathic killers, to be released in seven months despite assessment that she "will kill again." Flip off your fans, earn an 82.2 QB rating, get a contract extension Toddlers freak out when they discover odd object to play with, mother freaks out when she can't identify it. Police freak out when they discover it's an unexploded anti-tank rocket Journalist hands Peruvian president toy bomb for Christmas. Got your Sacrificial Sheep coupon yet? Better hurry, the price is going up this year. Luckily, sacrificial camel prices still open for negotiation Hollywood cameraman crashes VIP post-screening Q&A just to tell Bill Murray he's a bastard If there's a marked cop car in the driveway and a dozen officers on the scene after the raid, don't try to pick up your weekend hit at your dealer's house Hardee’s/Carl's Jr. responds to controversy of Monster Burger by adding the Breakfast Burger, a hamburger topped with a fried egg, hash browns, bacon and cheese. Arteries everywhere clog in anticipation September 11th conspiracy theorist offers prize of $100,000 to any engineering student who can prove the World Trade Center buildings crashed the way the government says Overturned truck causes sticky stituation in Vegas after releasing millions of bees and honey Oliver Stone apologises to Turkey for "Midnight Express" and to entire world for "Alexander" Woman smokes for 90 years, still doesn't have enough Marlboro miles to buy anything decent San Francisco politicians propose banning all handguns in city, except those carried by police, military or security guards "If you put [Jessica Simpson] in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's. You can't cover those suckers up." So says her dad Man dons bulletproof vest, dares friend to shoot him -- what could possibly go wrong? Wal-Mart's own branded electronics to be called "iLo"... as in "iLo Quality" Google wins Geico lawsuit and will now save 15 percent or more on on car insurance ICANN approves new ".jobs" top level domain. First domain registered is "blow," followed quickly by "hand" FCC to allow cell phones on planes, will let "consumers work out the etiquette." What could go wrong? Washington D.C. baseball team already talking about moving Police chief tackles robber who stole medications, cigarettes and a hamster. Chief was happy to have retrieved hamster before it got lost up some long, dark, smelly tunnel Swearing in front of a 79-year-old man? You bet that's a paddlin' Chicago mayor awards $259,367 grant to finance program designed to help ex-prisoners become beekeepers Officer -- fired after videotaped peeing all over public elevator -- uses Seinfeld defense, says can't control urination and may be suffering from uroicidysis When it comes to bioterrorism preparedness, bow before the mighty state of Nebraska Canadian PM says Canada will participate in missile defence program as long as they don't have to pay, don't have to put missiles on Canadian soil, and get a say in how it runs Bellsouth to start pimping their services door to door because you want it that way. Heart surgeon, who specializes in cleaning out clogged arteries, says hospital may not be most appropriate place for a McDonald's Lingerie store's Christmas window display to feature live pole-dancers. Customers may also enter "lap-dance lotto" Disney won't let Lindsey Lohan get naked New Fox reality show sinks to all-new disgustingly low levels Prestigious Oxford English Dictionary decides to keep it real, adds "crack ho," "thugged out" and "hoochie" If you found a radioactive steel rod that fell off a truck in Denver, you can get $2,500 for it Sprint and Nextel agree to merge in $35-billion deal to form Sextel Apparently unable to find a photocopier, someone has cut $2,000 worth of recipes out of books in Illinois library Alabama judge starts wearing Ten Commandments on his robe. If you're planning on dealing drugs, pick a better spot than the sheriff's front lawn UFO flying over China explodes, proving that it was NASA funded Reality finally comes knocking for the handful of optimistic bastards hoping there'd be an NHL season sometime this year Peterson gets death penalty Britney purchases $180 steak for pet Chihuahua Man publishes book making fun of those damned "Family Bulletins" that people send out every year Man snatches Sunday collection from church and runs. In other news, Catholics are fast Iraqi Hitler" may emerge from chaos. Pedro Martinez to sign with NY Mets, show up late for spring training Man hits deer with car. Deer continues travel through front windshield, passenger compartment before exiting through rear windshield Apparently John Edwards was up for the presidency too, as hereceived an Electoral Vote from Minnesota *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* might be more commonplace in the future than just on big trucks and your mom backing up Viewer complaints prompt FCC to investigate the Summer Olympics opening dance Japanese men resting their heads on laps of mini-skirted foam-rubber women this Christmas. "Single men find this soothing" Court panel rules it's not illegal for veterinarians to tell elderly women to "rot in hell." Pedro Martinez terrified as MLB announces hitters may use bats to retaliate against beanings Woman has surgery to remove Calista Flockhart-sized tumor Pelosi convicted of the most obvious murder since OJ Southbury Connecticut official calls press conference to announce he won't be shaking hands with anyone until flu season over Man lives in home with 300 goats Six reservists court-martialed for scrounging parts from abandoned vehicles so they could complete a mission "You can't buy any better heroin in the world than you can buy in New Jersey" Why do Americans fear nuclear power? Teen dance club posts freaky dance pics to Internet; learns that parents have access to Internet. too British newspaper calls Washington's Dulles Airport a "Third World hell hole" Review of dangerous toys, complete with story about the infamous hair-munching "Snacktime Cabbage Patch doll Man using electronic key to unlock car rather surprised when vehicle explodes in his face Angry 87-year-old curmudgeon gets revenge on city by building fence in middle of street The fake butter gunk in microwave popcorn apparently now a health hazard. I wondered what killed Orville Reddenbacher. Click on this link in a Jiffy Eighty-year-old diver loses boat 10 miles offshore. Spends night in ocean, swims six miles before being found by relatives after the Coast Guard gave up Celebrating the splendors of male nudity in comedy song and dance might play "off-Broadway" -- but "off-Peachtree Street" is a whole different matter Australian female toll operators allowed to roll sleeves up so they do not have to expose their bras to passing motorists Eleven-year-old boy sets up "lump of coal" stand in front of his home Polka band hoping to finally win a Grammy after being nominated 18 times NJ fisherman dies after hooking a bluefin tuna with a harpoon line that wrapped around his ankle and pulled him overboard HBO insists that they don't use ad placements and that any product usage is critical to storylines Head of NASA to quit. Will leave position in T minus one week Colorado smokers to face 320-percent increase in cigarette taxes starting Jan. 1st, 2005, bringing prices to about $50 bucks a pack Samsung cheerfully repairs returned DVD player, asks only that you take your python out of the box first More than half-million Florida students sat in classrooms last year in front of teachers who failed the state's basic skills tests for teachers. Neighbors still trying to figure out why "nice" man suddenly freaked out last night, running up and down the halls naked, before jumping out his third-floor window Marine sacrifices finger to save wedding ring. Doctors lose ring Man kills cougar with 7.5-cm knife Just in time for church: How to spend taxpayer dollars to frighten virgins away from sex. Waiting until marriage will make you "really, truly cool in God's eyes" Today's "Hey, somebody stole our pot plants" story brought to you by *cough* the Spring Valley Police Department Couple returning Gisele Bundchen's stolen dog for "no questions asked $5000 reward offer" gets arrested at gunpoint, cleared and left wondering where their $5,000 is Entire Portuguese government resigns (seriously) For sale: The world's first off-road motorhome Not only is Hollywood running out of ideas, they're also running out of ways to combat online piracy Man survives nail fired into his heart; says "Sweet. Can I go snowboarding tomorrow?" Seventy-year-old pulled back to active service in Afghanistan. "Getting used to wearing boots and carrying a gun is a little unusual" Michael Jackson and his accuser's fingerprints found on porno mag. Michael says, "Just beat it" December 9, 2004 Experts advise Britons not to fight back against the increasing number of home invaders or they'll go to jail. In other news, it's legal to kill someone in your house in South Carolina America's fat kids are not showing all the medical problems that obesity should show. Doctors are confused, parents stop worrying. Monster Burgers for the house, please. Shoplifter gives police false name, hands over Burger King Kids Club Card as identification. He didn't have it his way, either Women deemed cleverer than men. Probably because we don't have distracting breasts that can be used to get what we want Overpasses perfectly safe, says Tennessee Department of Transportation as they rush emergency repairs on 27 bridges Armor supplier says it could boost output if Army asks for it. But they haven't Olive Garden: When you're here, you're family London Underground admits it hunts for spare parts on Ebay Man accused of rape, says he was sleeping, falsetto voice on phone corroborates, jury acquits New Zealand proposal: "Up-skirt" camera pervs may face some "up-the-sphincter" jail time "The Beatles: Thanks to these four, Britain's high watermark of musical creativity is still considered to be pub rock made by white idiots" Japan pissed off that ashes of missing Japanese woman returned by North Korea actually consist of two other people. Oops Amazon forest burning has made Brazil world-leading polluter. U.S. annoyed, re-doubles efforts to become No. 1 again Congratulations, English speakers: You are fully proficient in the offical World Language of Planet Earth. The rest of you just speakee... very... slowly... At least five dead, two wounded after man takes stage at concert, starts shooting. Pantera guitarist Dimebag Darrell Abbot confirmed dead City of Boston to allow parking tickets to be paid off with Toys For Tots of equal value Drunken asshat attacks a Nativity scene by throwing two magi, two sheep, and Joesph into traffic Perhaps we've become numb when a song about transvestites on acid -- featuring a music video where band members are spanked and ridden by midgets -- sounds boring K-9 plays fetch the ball with naked suspect Cops pepper-spray street-brawling Santas "I never even thought I'd come across meeting Mike Tyson, let alone having him on top of my hood" Property dispute turns weird when one of the parties threatens the other's daughter with "rapist dogs" Highest scoring international soccer player (male or female) Mia Hamm retires from U.S. team. Hubby Nomar forced to actually earn a paycheck That hot laptop on your lap could have you shooting blanks Why human flesh tastes like chicken. Here comes the science Co-founder of AmWay dies at 80. Everyone in the pyramid just went up a level Police raid brothel in deserted pig farm. Displaced swine demand thorough clean-up State and federal agriculture officials to use satellite surveillance on Brazil's citrus crop in attempt to gain competitive advantage Canadians depend on luck for national security Santa brings bags of marijuana to school children Truck driver spends a penny, wins a million bucks. Get your kicks on Route 66 Politicians slip some wild horse and burro meat into their steady diet of pork Law of gravity apparently repealed. Man falls out of Mercedes' moon roof while driving Woman's house catches on fire, tells firefighters she has three babies inside. Firefighters risk lives to find out "babies" meant "cats." Fire chief not amused Locked-out NHL stars, Tara Reid, and Kid Rock crash Univ. of Michigan house party December 7, 2004 Nomar Garciaparra lands 1 year contract for 8 Million, which is 40 Million less than the offer he turned down from the (World Champion) Red Sox last year Japan's biggest export after cars that don't suck is women who do Bay Area city councilman ticketed for having a girly-man car John Lennon saw aliens while in bed with Yoko Ono. Later, she put her clothes back on Fat Americans break ship. "We have 10 restaurants on board, so if they are big when they get on, they tend to be bigger when they get off" Rescue teams called out to help parachutist ditching into the sea. Rescue squad arrives to discover it's only an action figure Man wants to build 20-foot Jawa sandcrawler model. The Empire... er township council... might not let him because it "might not fit in architecturally" Fourteen-year-old is the youngest ever U.S. chess grandmaster, which should soothe his ego as he faces years of not getting laid Telemarketer sends threatening letter after woman hangs up on him South Korea renames condom because half of country had similar sounding name Highschoolers want to read Catcher in the Rye, arguing they already drink, smoke, and have sex Like many other bad ideas that seem good at the time, do not record your roommate in the nude without his permission Man attempts suicide by turning on the natural gas in his house. Fails to commit suicide, but successfully blows his house up in spectacular fashion After buying 50 brand-new police cruisers, city council waffles on whether to approve budget to recruit actual police officers to drive them Man is arrested for having a lateral monopoly. Selling marijuana through his aptly named pizza shop, "Munchies" Amputees hit the slopes, mostly with their faces and rear ends Man who coated hotel room with Vaseline slips out of jail time, sentenced to three years probation Scientists train giant African rats to detect land mines. Reportedly go "BOOM" when one is found Online university sued after awarding business degree to cat. Cat insists degree was earned fairly George Carlin unloads on audience and the stupidity of Vegas tourists on his last night ever at MGM Grand Motley Crue to reunite for world tour, new CD. Rumors that tour will be sponsored by Geritol and Fibercon unconfirmed For the deluded Yankees fan who has everything, get your New York Yankees 2004 Al Champs sweatshirt Opportunity to participate in the search for Amelia Earhart to be auctioned off on Ebay Salma Hayek's breasts considered sacred by Mandinka tribe of Africa Paris Hilton arrives at Hollywood producer's party to find guests viewing her homemade porn (second story) Today's "teacher having lesbian sex with 14-year-old student with whom she performed witchcraft and then 'wed' in a pagan ritual" story brought to you by Detroit, MI. If you're going to pass out in the wrong house, at least keep your underwear on Senator Ted Kennedy proposes $3.5 million project to pay tribute to... himself Having not passed the intelligence reform bill after 9/11, politicians give MLB just 30 days to clean up their act on steroids Looking for new ways to annoy the neighbors? How about three million Christmas lights visible from 80 miles away? Classic "educational" flimstrips remain hilarious today Amusing excerpts from the guestbook at the Clinton Double-Wide Library Since the chances of having any NHL hockey this season aren't too good, Canadian amateur players want a shot at the Stanley Cup In sworn affidavit, programmer says he developed vote-rigging prototype for Florida congressman 99.8 percent of all FCC complaints were filed by the Parents Television Council For sale to Central Kentucky: the use of one slightly-used radio morning show stunt boy. Some assembly may be required City hires private firm to determine why their lovely scenic town smells like ass NBA bad boy Latrell Sprewell responds to female heckler by asking her to perfom sex act. Courtside mic picks up his FCC violation on live TV City sanitation workers rack up more than $7000 worth of personal calls on city-issued cell phones Will keep jobs because they weren't told in advance that it violated city policy December 6, 2004 New literacy program has kids reading to dogs. Dogs apparently appalled at the ending of "Old Yeller" Nativity plays boost sales of tea towels and hay-fever medicine Police find man stumbling around street, discover he had consumed two entire bottles of mouthwash. "He was friendly and cooperative, just not doing so well walking. He had good breath, though" Coming soon to dozens of military bases around the country: Radio signals strong enough to jam nearby garage-door openers What do crocodile dung and beaver-testicle tea have in common? Paris Hilton insists she's not a party girl, despite drunken crappy blowjobs to the contrary Stevie Wonder raps Eminem for his lack of vision Man begs judge to let him plead guilty and be put to death as soon as possible. Before trial even starts. Canada purchases rights to "The Land of the Free" from USA Drunk elderly man arrested for staggering around park, kicking girls who had pierced ears Hunter stops to take a leak, accidentally shoots himself in the ass Show your love for the Cooter at the Spring Cooter Fest Guide dog gets wedding jitters, fails to give away blind bride It takes a special kind of imbecile to be busted for speeding nine times in three weeks -- by the exact same traffic camera Lumberjack disagrees with boss, takes chainsaw to his home UFO seen in Darwin, NT on Saturday night -- no explanation yet offered New Hampshire man, after finding local sex offender registry online, decides to try and kill seven of them. "I hope I've done a service to the community" Bush contemplates eliminating federal deduction of state Income taxes. California and New York prepare to secede from the Union Volvo makes "Chickmobile" for women University survey finds that back-packers have lots of beer and casual sex Woman begs firefighters to please extinguish the fire of passion inside her Scientists discover that "teenagers fail to see the consequences" of their actions Telephone booths are making a comeback, this time without the phone Fire damages firewood company -- owner cited for storing flammable materials First Internet generation grows up. Soon they can say "back in the time of wooden modems and iron networks" School bus driver fired for talking to students about stem-cell research. "Her job is to scowl and scream at the kids, not be intelligent," according to a school rep Irate hockey mom lifted her blouse, revealed her bra and taunted fans of the opposing team by shaking her breasts -- at her 11-year-old's hockey game National treasures missing from archives. Nicholas Cage wanted for questioning Trucker "changing radio stations" loses control of his tanker, resulting in 8,000-gallon gasoline fireball on I-70 in Colorado Angry German prince gives Nazi salute during airport security check. Earthquake strikes Germany, near France. France surrenders One thousand airport uniforms missing, including 100 security badges. Proving that God is indeed merciful, Green Bay area churches change Christmas Eve mass times to accommodate Packer/Viking fans In this case, cheaters do prosper When cruising for prostitutes, it's best not to take the company vehicle. Especially if it's an ambulance Eleven people directed to wrong courtroom arrested and jailed when they didn't appear before the proper judge Woman auctions father's "ghost" on Ebay to ease six-year-old son's fears Harrison Ford confirms Indy IV movie 600,000-member union may strike because one member is being forced to tuck in his shirt November 29-30, 2004 Chicago candy-maker creates beer flavored chocolate. Federal appeals court rules that because Pentagon's policies on gays impinge upon free speech issues, universities may in turn ban military recruiting on their campuses Do household moving companies cheat customers and brag about it? Ex-foreman tells judge "yes, yes we do" On Thanksgiving Day, beer, peanut oil outsell milk in grocery stores. Guess who's doing the shopping Ken Jennings loses on Jeopardy tonight. British hotel chain offers a free night stay to couples who are named Mary and Joseph. Virgin birth reportedly not included Man walks into gas station, jokes with clerk that he has a gun. Clerk is his mom, but even that doesn't prevent the snowball of hilarity that ensues Being a combat pilot is less stressful than commuting to work. Plus you get to bomb the shiat out of things, which probably helps Frank Gehry's $100 million architectural wonder in L.A. is blinding drivers and turning the neighborhood into a sauna. Sandblasting to ensue Conman jailed for pretending to win the lotto, wins lotto for real three years later Experts worry that poker is becoming too popular with teenagers. Sadly, strip poker still not popular enough Bicycle ride-by shootings plaguing Palo Alto Man steals Salvation Army kettle, will soon learn for whom the bell tolls Messiah statue, 62 feet tall, surprises Ohio drivers Supermodel Heidi Klum named to a two-year McDonald's endorsement deal Yale students pose as Harvard pep squad, hand out signs to fans that supposedly spell out GO HARVARD, but actually spell out WE SUCK (with pic) Scientists are proving that magnetism and electricity really do heal stroke victims. Here comes the quacking Dear Abby, I let my 16-year-old daughter attend a frat party where something bad happened. Am I a dumbass? Cell phones being disabled by viruses downloaded with ringtones Scientists discover something cool about the universe, but I'm not quite sure what because my head exploded after the first paragraph Britain's five most-watched movies of all time. Frankly, my dear, the hills are alive with the sound of midgets using the force at Park Lake Kellogg CEO Carlos Gutierrez sends in enough box tops to become the new Secretary of Commerce Video games make you better, faster, stronger -- millions of parents call in their kids from the fresh air and make them sit at their computers Americans bad at geography Woman, paralyzed for 20 years, walks after stem-cell treatment Israelis not easily shocked these days, but video of man being forced to play his violin has stunned and outraged them Kenny Rogers, knowing when to fold 'em, lets loose his bodyguard on 15 fans, four cops and Lucille Lion eats livestock. Farmers eat lion. The circle of life is complete Man jumps off cliff and dies. Residents want sign posted warning that jumping off cliffs is dangerous The world's first known piece of printed pornography to be auctioned off. Pages still stuck together New Zealand bans video game that encourages kids to pee on each other It soon will be illegal to pilot an airplane while drunk in Pennsylvania. MBA student invents glow-in-the-dark, battery-powered thong Woman's holidays get a little crappier when insurance company says it won't cover the $39,000 in damages after water-line break sent raw sewage "shooting out of her dishwasher, sinks, toilets and shower drains" With its finances in turmoil, Krispy Kreme finds solace in suing mom n' pop Krispy Kream ice-cream shop Illinois ends free flavored-condom program Students don't understand why principal freaked out over freaking. "After all, you can turn on MTV or Black Entertainment Television and see it all day" If you're planning on crossing a six-lane highway to get a can of pop, make sure to tie your shoes first Teenager who killed neighbor who raped his mom has no regrets Man goes to Sacramento fire station to drop off live hand grenade he found while cleaning his garage Inventor of device that reminds you to put down the seat wins achievement award Twins stump paternity test. Baby's daddy's rights still in question DJ attending children's sports award ceremony shocks little kids with every obscene word in dictionary (and some that weren't) Don't ignore road barricades -- they're there for a reason Man repays friend for picking him up at bar by performing oral sex on friend's sleeping girlfriend. Not very cunning, ignoramus Potty Elmo is this year's Tickle-Me Elmo. Tickling him is ill-advised British schools will require bullies to wear blue plastic wristbands. "Buy Nothing Day" not catching on as organizers discover that the day after Thanksgiving was probably not the best day to hold the event French court rules that French-language film -- filmed in French, in France, with French cast -- isn't French enough because Warner Brothers backed it. France surrenders November 19, 2004 Police are on the lookout for a flasher wearing womens' underwear. "It's semi-weird, but I've seen weirder," says detective U.S. intelligence sources on Iran may not be reliable, but it's not like that's stopped us before Weighing all options carefully, court decides to give custody of three girls under age 10 to a man convicted of raping a 13-year-old Amateur Georgia decorator decides to do her own version of "While You Were Out." Internet matchmaking service found liable for bad marriage. In other news, world flooding expected to occur due to drooling lawyers Monica Lewinsky gets her shot to star on reality TV; hopes she doesn't blow it Kentucky's governor may lose his medical license for signing a death warrant Phone dropped into rock-festival toilet returned to owner's mother four months later Giant freakish kangaroo captured by authorities may belong to Vanilla Ice Vanilla Ice wants to get his pet walaroo out of the pound. Lucky for us, he's still not worried about regaining his career The Osbournes will not return for another season. Ozzy was available for comment, but no one could make out what he was saying In a move sure to attract younger drivers, Chrysler boss calls best-selling car "the shizzle" If calling Colin Powell an “Uncle Tom” doesn’t get you fired, give calling Condoleezza Rice “Aunt Jemima” a shot Homeless man goes to police station, asks to spend the night. When rebuffed, homeless man arms himself with broken bottle, robs service station. Researchers call on Congress for funds to study "porn addiction." Baby oil initiative to follow Hooters heads to court against rival to prove it came up with the idea of using scantily-clad women to sell food Get your kid a CSI crime-scene analysis set for Christmas. Weapon, spattered corpses not included Entire eighth-grade class suspended for food fight on "meat loaf day" Nike co-founder Phil Knight to step down. Will be replaced by 12-year-old Taiwanese girl earning six cents an hour Minutes before dying, woman confesses that her husband has been in her freezer for the last six years One-third of President Bush's top donors got appointments in his first administration. Tomorrow's revelation: Our planet is not flat You're a passenger injured in an auto accident. Do you A: Sue the driver, B: Sue the people who made the car, or C: Sue the people who made the road? Biblical scholar publishes revisionist translation of Bible to correct "embarassing inaccuracies" in King James' version. Baptists seen gathering wood and gasoline Phone book manages to move several entire cities to Iowa. City residents find that their home values dropped 38 percent overnight Hidden compound of al-Zarqawi found. Location given away by sign reading "al-Qaida Organization" in Arabic. No really, it did List of nation's best teachers includes a sex offender Forcing your 12 year old to do yard work nude might be a bad parenting choice FCC sets sights on cable, satellite radio and maybe even the internets. The internets? Remains of man missing since 1999 found in thrift-store chimney News crew shocked to discover BangBus, only five years too late High schools now include weight-loss class Nightclub for plus-sized people opens up in Seattle. Reinforced dance floor already in place Colin Powell announces that the U.S. has intelligence that shows Iran is developing a nuclear missile. Also announces unfortunate typo from a couple years ago mixing up Qs and Ns Woman breaks into ex-boyfriend's house, trashes the place and dumps an urn containing the ashes of his dead brother all over his bed Woman in critical condition after teens hurl turkey through her windshield November 12, 2004 Prosecutor, who's aggressive against drunk drivers, busted for drunk driving...with 3 children in the car. Hippo Critt plays the double standards Internet dating site bans man for "lack of commitment" after he gets more ass than a toilet seat Naked man found in Russian consulate in Seattle. Arrested while bathing in the women's restroom sink Man complains about rotten kids getting on his lawn. Father waves his willie at him. Man smashes father's car with bicycle. Jury finds Peterson guilty Rowdy Roddy Piper to make his stand-up comedy debut this weekend Womens college volleyball team loses a point each match for taking off their shirts during a game (sorry, no pics) Subway sign hacked to read 'no pretty girls ride subways.' New Yorkers unsurprised Man opens fire on Eiffel tower. France engaged in peace talks with Venezuala If a cop calls and tells you to go undress at an open window, he might not be legit The ancient art of origami has been infiltrated by a guy who demonstrates how to make humping bunnies, waggling tongue, condoms, paper sperm and the lower half of the female anatomy Woman struck by train sues railroad for failing to warn pedestrians that trains travel on tracks Victim of wedding reception robbery just wants to spank the thief, make him say naughty words Rapper Flavor Flav smacks peeing dog with rolled up newspaper on VH1 reality show "The Surreal Life." Oh, that went over real well with animal rights group UK man buries his garage underneath his front lawn, James Bond-style, after city bans parking on his street Train derailment in Virginia spills 20,000 gallons of beer. Oh, the humanity Big assed mannequins take over New York In an effort to remove all fun from recess, California school bans cartwheels. Would prefer children grow up in protective plastic bubbles Hail Mary full of cheese, the grease is with thee; blessed art thou amongst sandwiches, and blessed is the crunch of thy crust Newborn twin boys named "Yasser" and "Arafat." Condition of mother fine, nope not fine, nope she's good after all November 11, 2004 When sniffing propane in the back of your van, please mind the no smoking signs Before ordering a new fire truck, ensure the station is large enough to hold it Madonna's new children's book reveals that money doesn't make you happy. Instead points out that you need a wildly over-inflated sense of self-importance, sex with Jose Canseco, and cone boobies for true happiness Americans can finally import bee semen from New Zealand. Massive job losses expected in the American bee masturbation industry Colin Farrell's full frontal nude scene in upcoming movie will remain uncut. Director says he needed to used widescreen angle to capture all of it Dog has identity crisis, thinks its a cat, jumps off top of building. Vet bills ensue Enterprising 16-year-old high school girl pimps some 70 girls to doctor Prisons send "Wish you were here" postcards to local criminals Nader demands a recount; Sometimes the jokes write themselves, sometimes they run for President High-speed chase ends in manure pile Woman runs wrong car off the road thinking it was her cheating ex-boyfriend. Surprising no one, Microsoft caught using Google search results to populate its own search engine Moron sues wild animal park after he let a tiger into his car. "His accordian playing days are now over" states his lawyer Homeless man snaps after highway crew member becomes latest person to tell him to get off his ass. In other news, homeless people have guns Stations cancel airing of Saving Private Ryan over fears of FCC fines, particularly over the "Wardrobe Malfunction on the Beaches of Normandie" scene. Pregnant baboon runs loose at Bush airport Little girl's lemonade stand nets $1 million three months after her death. Money will go to cancer research Man mistakenly burns cash to get his wood stove going. Oops 'Smoking banned in cars' prank by Z103 morning DJs gets them in hot water. Charlotte fans who called number in phone book for NBA tickets instead get hot girl on girl action Not content to catch bombs from QB, Michigan State wide receivers decide to make some The Arteest formerly known as an Indiana Pacer gets benched after requesting a month off to rest up and promote his rap album In case you were curious, surgery to transplant a woman's entire ovary to her upper arm is feasible Cops suspended for letting NASCAR driver Bill Elliott hop a ride in their helicopter when they were supposed to be reporting details and location of marijuana fields Liza Minnelli forced her body guard to have sex with her or lose his job. For some reason he opted to keep his job Scientists discover that Uranus is cloudy, making it difficult to locate Klingons Meet the losers who camp out for days in advance of the opening of an Ikea store Inventors claim the only thing more fun than waiting 40 minutes for a table in a restaurant is being blasted by ads and PowerPoint presentations while you're waiting Judge kicked off the bench for acting in porn film Arkansas girl blows 16-inch bubble. Clinton immediately offers her intern position at his presidential library You can't buy tires with weed at Sears. You also shouldn't return to the store one hour after assaulting a clerk and stealing tires Madonna calls for U.S. troops to withdraw from Iraq. In response, forces in Fallujah halt advance. Bush and Blair immediately call for a NATO meeting. Israeli cabinet discussing options. Powell on his way to Iraq to meet with the provisional government Norwegian teens surprised that life is not like porn. Depressed by lack of one-hour erections and the pain of back door lovin' When asking a sheriff to search your truck because you think someone planted drugs in it, don't tell them that the meth in the cab is yours November 9, 2004 Mexican Standoff at the Mexican Consulate in LA New Haven institutes program encouraging police officers to live in public housing to reduce crime. Cop taking advantage of program shoots first guy he meets while moving in. Mission accomplished. Afghanistan hostages call home. Family thinks 0093 area code is telemarketer and don't answer There are 91 people in Nebraska over age 100 with valid drivers licenses. Farmer's markets placed on high alert Girl student banned from wearing skirt with "It's all about the Juicy" written on it while boy students allowed to wear shirts emblazoned with "Hooter's" and "Big Johnson" Hunter facing possible charges after going out on the first day of deer season and bagging himself a llama Lottery official tries to rig million-dollar scratch-off. Wins up to fifty years on one ticket. 11 year-old boy takes mother to court when she doesn't buy him a PC French medical services insist Arafat is still alive and playing Halo 2 Dave Wannstedt will resign as head coach of the Dolphins today. Will join Ricky in Australia to do bong hits all day If you're on the NJ Turnpike and wondering why you have to keep dodging sheep, here's why Bank robber tries to turn himself in to police. Is told they''re too busy, come back tomorrow Mozilla's new browser Firefox 1.0 launches today. Too bad their website is down... Target bans guilt-pushing bell ringers from their premises this holiday season The Australian Drug Foundation will be "testing" ecstasy at a private party Nevada town votes overwhelmingly to legalize prostitution Mount St. Helens ODs on Viagara: "The new lava extrusion is about 900 feet long and 250 wide, scientists said..." Man decides to clear jammed wood chipper with his feet while it's still on. You already know what happened next Prisoner dies when his head gets caught in closing prison doors Elderly couple reported missing after driving around for 24 hours because husband refused to ask for directions World Testicle Cooking Championship held. Clutch McGroin shoots for first place Mike Nichols removes full-frontal Natalie Portman scenes from upcoming film. In other news, Mike Nichols now living under assumed name, heavy guard Woman, 29, accused of having sex with eight-year-old boy Best Buy seeks to prevent money-savers from shopping there Withdrawal from caffeine addiction may be called a mental disorder New law to punish driving while stoned. Still no law to punish stoned friend for eating last bag of Doritos Japanese flock to toxic radon baths hoping to cure everything from high blood pressure to hemorrhoids. Side effects are mild, but can include breathing fire and the sudden urge to destroy Tokyo Sign up for the Hello Kitty MMORPG beta test Machete-wielding homeowner fights off three gunmen who tried to rob him. Neighbors join the fray with baseball bats and rifles U.S. to put weapons in space. Mars attacks, surrenders November 5, 2004 Wendy's officially fires unofficial spokesperson Welcome to Oklahoma City. Don't drop a sunflower seed on the street, or we'll fine you $185 Read a book, get oral sex. In other words, literacy rates go up when people go down When two women half your age come back to your place for sex, chances are they have ulterior motives. Especially if your age is 74 Tips for the criminally inclined: Make sure the bank is not still under construction before attempting to rob it Air Force report calls for $7.5m to study psychic teleportation, $8 on flying insect spray Hundred-year-old woman will be cashing in on her century after 100-1 wager a decade ago Yo, da name's Bond init, Jimmi Bond Wondering what to buy your mother-in-law for Christmas? A plastic surgery voucher will knock her socks off. McDonald's slammed for refusing fat applicants for adverts Texas cops kill man with stun gun after he steals electricty Luckily, the accident occurred in a Dunkin' Donuts parking lot, so a police officer was nearby Scientists develop vaccine for cancer. Still no cure for... oh... Interview with the woman accused of cutting off her husband's weener Police officer docked 28 minutes pay for visiting a prostitute while on duty The Hidden Door Company has the solution for your pre-apocalyptic weapon-hoarding needs Drunken man with superior fighting skills and ill-fitting pants challenges the police to a fight Airline study finds that persons of *ahem* larger carriage are eating airline profits NBC developing reality show featuring comedians trying out for Saturday Night Live. Losing contestant will be forced to join the cast The top 10 worst jobs in science. Eight years of school to get jiggy with one of these professions Texas teachers now have to explain to third graders that the three branches of government aren't the missionary, the doggy style and the hot carl Residents heard to say about new bronze statue in village, "It looks like the boy has a tremendous boner." One-tenth of the world's crops are irrigated by untreated sewage. More green beans, anyone? F-16 fires on New Jersey elemetary school Confused by their new fangled billing system, Bell Mobility tells subscribers to "pay only what they think they owe" Find out what your underwear says about your personality Words you thought you'd never see together: Vatican Sex Guide "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" gets two thumbs up In an effort to attract more worshippers, Canterbury Cathedral revives its 300-year-old tradition of serving beer America's prison system at work: Man released from prison, promptly goes home and stabs wife in the neck Man, 46, survives jump into lion's den after trying to convert lions to Christianity Email spammers found guilty. Sentenced to serve nine long years in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Time to tell your cellmates not to buy penis-enlargement pills Arafat enters coma. Aides claim he's just taking a long nap Texas man on death row commits suicide by hanging. Efforts to resuscitate him fail, denying the criminal justice system all the fun Kirstie Alley asks publicist to breast feed her pet possum Al Sharpton rescues man who was laid off from his job of shoveling manure Older Stories

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