October 29, 2004 Cuba offering six years of medical school free -- including tuition, room and board, books and spending money -- to American students. Cigars still can't come home with you Partially nude drunk woman on horseback leads police on bizarre chase Sticky situation develops after man attaches condom with superglue Family vacation to Southern California includes naked, drug-addled parolee singing and frolicking in the hotel jaccuzzi Owner of "vicious" chihuahua ordered to carry $100k insurance policy Al Jazeera TV says it will air Bin Laden video tape Mom tries Bob Marley cure for toddler's poor sleeping and appetite. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.00. EMT makes a patient the buttocks of his joke Apparently, it’s a very good time for Satanism these days Only 30 percent of singles practice safe sex Study finds Americans are getting taller and heavier. In other news, McDonald's introduces new miracle McGrowth formula Man arrested for pointing .50 caliber anti-aircraft gun out his window Iran has banned soccer players from sporting ponytails, say the little shorts make them look fruity enough David Hasselhoff pleads no contest to DUI charge. KITT not available for comment "It's liberating for some women to be able to dress like a tramp for one night, guilt-free" Before returning your rental car, check for unexplainable dents, top off gas tank, remove loaded gun John Kerry's cousin was a "close friend" of Lee Harvey Oswald. Adjust your tinfoil hat back, and to the left Brazilian legislator wants to make it illegal to give pets human names Naked car thief captured. Apparently removed his clothing in an attempt to improve his odds of escape over the electric fence "I am willing to stake my scientific reputation to the statement that Bush was wearing something under his jacket during the debate," says an international authority on image analysis If you don't want people driving cars into your store, don't call it Target John Kerry is tied to our Vietnamese enemies in more ways than you'd think Department of Homeland Security: Securing your right to a legal Rubik's Cube Japanese company making dog-collar digital camera. Includes pic of dog looking absolutely thrilled to be wearing it O'Reilly sex case settled for undisclosed amount of money, three falafels Mel Gibson is more than a little hurt that Arnold Schwarzenegger hung up on him and won't return his calls Restaurant owner blames crisis on public's poor taste, unwillingness to pay ridiculous prices for ridiculous foods Student suspended after making cannabis-laced muffins in cooking class Cher song dropped from movie soundtrack after test audiences laughed at it Judge wipes out couple's loan debt due to extortionate interest rates Metals-plant employee fashions his own sword at work, proceeds to nearly decapitate co-worker. There can be only one Nude Kate Moss painting: Opening bid, £3.5 million Target, Wal-Mart forcing Salvation Army to curtail bell ringers All your Star Wars toys are new again. Except now Luke's a hobbit and Obi-Wan has a tiny head October 22, 2004 Having threatened your wife at gunpoint probably isn't going to help your campaign Mickey Mantle's Restaurant changes name to Ted Williams for the duration of the World Series Man uses prison's checking account to sign up for online dating service Woman gets arrested after accidentally dialing 911, leading police to one of the county's largest methamphetamine laboratories NJ grand jury refuses to indict man who shot burglars on his property People don't like that Osama bin Laden's image is being used to promote beanies Environmental group: "Blah blah blah, Earth in danger, blah blah, destruction of natural habitats, blah blah, fossil fuels, blah blah blah, humans to blame, blah blah blah..." Grandmother vigorously dances striptease at night club "but she never accepts any intimate offers" Lawmaker proposes banning alcohol at all Oklahoma colleges because, obviously, students won't drink if they're not supposed to Woman moves into house and redecorates while owner's family is away Howard Stern regular "Crazy Cabbie" under investigation by IRS after bragging on the air about avoiding taxes Thirty-nine percent of women in Turkey feel they deserve to be beaten for arguing with their husbands or denying them sex Boston police commissioner takes "full responsibility" for student's death, promises to prosecute everybody involved except the police who shot her Man offers sex with his wife in return for Red Sox tickets You know there's a nip in the air when 20 crabs rain down on you Soccer ref shocked to find that hackers broke into his website and posted fake apology for disallowing a goal Kerry blasts Cheney for getting flu shot. Fails to mention Clinton received one too because both are heart patients First Hooters restaurant to open in China National Hurricane Center finally realizes their storm track forecasts suck Body found in wheel well of jet. In other news, airlines ecstatic about possibilities of new “no-frills” ticket sales Music teacher Febrezes odiferous students. Parents cry foul Woman falls down embankment, gets tree branch impaled in her chest. Lucky that her dog is a Cell Phone Retriever Two bodies discovered in funeral home Cops dig up $50,000 from elderly woman's back yard, buried since 2001, after she thought it had been stolen Missing fighter jet goes up on Ebay Boston mayor considering banning the sale of alcohol in bars during the World Series Man doodles "Help me" on napkin while dining at Red Lobster, setting off frantic police search when busboy finds it. Having eaten there themselves, police file no charges Taiwan fines Nike $30,000 after Michael Jordan's advertised one-hour appearance only lasts 90 seconds. Fortunately, Jordan found enough change in his ashtray to cover it October 21, 2004 Ebay's profits soar, apparently tripled in last two seconds by sniper If you have woken up to a huge jet engine in your front yard, call Detroit Metro Airport, there are some people looking for it Deadbeat dad owes $121,126. County considers revoking his hunting license Man who ran Kmart for 10 months retiring -- and getting $90 million for it Convenience store manager sues store and town of Schuyler, Nebraska, after police commit armed robbery for "reality-based training exercise" Continuing to mature as an NBA player should, Carmelo Anthony busted for pot Ricky Martin goes on offensive to stop child-sex tourism. Vatican in an uproar Shot through the heart / and you're to blame / you give nailguns / a bad name Nothing beats buying a nice cigar, pulling out your trusty Zippo lighter, flicking it on and HAVING YOUR ENTIRE ARM BURST INTO FLAMES Pop Idol star sells just two tickets to concert Political correctness reaches new level of idiocy as school district bans Halloween festivities because it might offend real witches Ron Perelman and neighbors still using illegal parking permits five years after being caught the last time If grandma won't leave the nursing home, just use the taser Caretakers of St. Louis Arch upset about illuminating the arch with pink lights to celebrate breast cancer awareness. Apparently, the shade of pink doesn't match the shade of the panties they've gotten in a twist Red Sox pitcher's leg was repaired using a technique tested on cadaver. Exhumed cadaver of Babe Ruth still undergoing around the clock de-cursing in secret Boston location Police respond to 999 call to find couple having sex Man, who allowed pet bunnies to hump with wild abandon, forced from home by sheer numbers Republican stealing signs knocks self out If you just got divorced or dumped by your significant other, don't drive Closed captioning: Required by law in a theatre near you New keychain remote turns off any TV. Be the first on your block to get your ass kicked at your favorite sports bar Student injured as seagull tries to steal lunch Marijuana grow-lab equipment, previously seized by police and then sold at auction, has turned up at other grow operations... and the police are just shocked Red Sox win, coming back from a 3-0 series deficit. History made in the most boring sport ever invented Travel company offers high schoolers unsupervised Montreal trips. What could possibly go wrong? Doofus trying to shoot mouse wounds girlfriend instead Man survives being pinned between a 10-ton locomotive and a loading dock I don't know if my camera phone works... Obi-Schlong Kenobi, you're my only hope Coming off the pill boosts a woman's sex drive and increases her chances for orgasm - Of course, The Sun is there Man burns his car to spite parking attendant If you have several thousand pounds of cannabis in your garage, don't report a burglary Courtney Love pleads guilty to hitting clubgoer, takes the Fifth for crimes of fashion and taste You're a man of the cloth and you don't want to get searched at the airport. Solution: Tell everyone you have a bomb and then show them a Bible Students who were quoted by the press about drinking on campus get letters from the school asking them to politely shut the hell up Dawn of a new day for Duran Duran. NOOOOOOO... Lottery winner beats creditors by burying all his money Air Canada, having just narrowly dodged bankruptcy, throws lavish party featuring Celine Dion dressed as a flight attendant Ten-year-olds cast their mock presidential votes with more respect and civility than the adults NASA still needs Lockheed because nobody else knows how to do the work. Including Lockheed, apparently Wife settles domestic dispute by showing husband's moonshine still and garbage bag full of marijuana to deputy October 19, 2004 Disgruntled employee posts recruitment ad for female strippers Google is the latest deciding factor in whether to release a hostage or not Panama breaks off diplomatic relations with Sean Connery Wall Street traders acting like zombies because of Red Sox-Yankees marathon games New York Rangers involved with sexual-harassment lawsuit. Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with the fact that they've been screwing their fans for years Transgender cop faces discipline after going off half-cocked at firing range Drunk woman tries to get out of ticket by performing striptease on police video Study shows that $2.00 a gallon isn't making people give up their Escalade for a Prius South Carolina readies for big battle over tiny liquor bottles Man in jail for forgery creates phony documents to get out of jail. Accomplice accidentally faxes them directly to the jail instead of the attorney. Oops Duke player -- who was arrested and kicked off the team last year for a DUI and getting teabagged at a UNC frat party -- allowed to return due to an off-recruiting year If you drive an Escalade or a Maxima, you might want to check and make sure it hasn't been stolen yet Police insist that when they shot the graffiti suspect hiding under a pile of clothing, it was purely accidental Police on the lookout for people who put hamster in exercise ball and rolled it into traffic O'Reilly: She wants me Bad: Refusing to arrest suspects until after they've recovered because you don't want to pay the hospital bills. Worse: Some of the suspects escape by wheelchair Giving a pro-Bush speech cost Schwarzenegger 14 days without sex The dangers of jumping into a pile of raked leaves now includes total paralysis Firefighter revives dog with mouth-snout resuscitation. Says he has no regrets, dog breath Jerry Rice traded to Seattle Seahawks. Special ramps installed in locker room Parents freak out about gas station selling cigarette lighters with pictures of boobies on them CBS' "Late Late Show" is getting better ratings with guest hosts than they did with Craig Kilborn Man tries to hijack plane in order to obtain more alcohol Red Sox win Game Five in 14 innings, six hours Things often can go wrong when you pay for registered voters with crack cocaine Kmart hoping that new CEO can bring the same explosive results that he brought to is former companies of Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut. Analysts say his managing style is silent but deadly Never wear a sweater and stand on a lawnmower while attempting to break into a house Texas fire chief canned after he supervises hosing down a marching band, injuring 13 If your wife cuts off your penis during an argument, it's extremely important that you focus and remember to bring your penis with you to the hospital October 14, 2004 NBA considers no three-point shots 'till end of game. Toking up, missing practice, losing to Puerto Rico still okay Humiliated would-be bank robber runs away after clerk laughs at him from behind bulletproof glass Third grader suspended for taking butter knife to school in his lunch bag Miami Vice will be remade with Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx, with the part of Crack Addict Number 2 played by Phillip Michael Thomas USDA to experiment with blueberry burgers, sunflower seed peanut butter and asparagus salsa in school lunches. In other news, McDonald's near schools report record sales Having solved all other crimes, San Francisco police ticketing drivers who honk to support strikers George Clooney slaps "Small Penis Onboard" bumper sticker on Brad Pitt's car Man fights repossessor and police with petrol bombs, a barbecue lighter and a chainsaw. Because that was obviously the smartest thing to do Former British soccer player Lloyd Scott set off Wednesday on a coast-to-coast ride across Australia on a Victorian-era bicycle dressed up as Sherlock Holmes to raise money for a leukemia charity Chris Rock to host Oscars. Organizers pre-emptively holding fundraisers to pay for eventual $5 billion in FCC fines Union leaders, in town threatened by huge job losses, quit after using membership dues to buy liquor, porn and sex toys If you're planning on landing a gigantic Hercules airplane on a beach as part of an automotive journalism photography stunt, please alert the locals first Halo 2 leaked onto the Internet. But it's in French Pro sports team's cheerleader gets knocked down, groped, has to be rescued by helicopter while signing autographs at a high school Scientists find cellphones increase likelyhood of ear tumours, obnoxious behaviour "As expected, both campaigns declared their candidate the clear victor" University of Nebraska's constantly-in-trouble poster boy for problem drinking happens to be on school's anti-drinking committee. "Maybe his role is to remind us of what the problem is" Husband and wife ordered to become brother and sister. Oddly enough, Kentucky not involved Vibrating sponge duck banned in Tennessee as a sex toy TSA funding choice: Cheese displays or anti-terrorism? Cheese. Huge bonuses or anti-terrorism? Bonuses (for the executives, of course). Your local terrorist wants TSA cheese British safety group seeking to abolish daylight savings because it kills hundreds every year. Here comes the science Eric Clapton's Key to the Highway taken away after he's clocked at 216 kph Physics professor tells class if they get out of their seats he's gonna kill them, writes "911 now" on black board Cheating on your partner has never been easier: "Sleep sex" is now a recognised disorder Silicone man boobs are all the rage in China Easy Bake Oven championships taking place in NYC today. No matter who wins, the judges lose Sacramento nixes sex on fire engines. Backseat of your brother's firebird still okay Prescription-drug advocates are mad at Amtrak If you're still waiting to receive your "government issue" World Trade Center silver dollar, minted with silver recovered from Ground Zero, there's some bad news... Gunman holds up 11-year-old for his lunch money Mr. Carjacker: “Hey gimme your car.” Mr. I’m Getting Gas: “Get away from me or I’ll spray gas on you and light you on fire.” Hilarity ensues Sailor beaten unconscious during Chargers game. Biker, Indian and construction worker wanted for questioning "While police debated what to do with the snake on the tracks, a train rumbled into the station" NY Mets to create their own cable network similar to Yankees' YES Network. Look for the CRAP Network in 2006, Met fans Russia and the United States have agreed to a new lease for the U.S. ambassador's lavish Moscow residence after Russia complained he paid less than $3.00 a year School gives student fake gun for Civil War reenactment. Student takes gun. School has student arrested for possession of fake gun Man asks Kinko's employee for help copying child porn. Middle school teacher arrested for child abuse after forcibly putting a student back into his seat Two Pakistani villagers killed when they open an anti-tank mine with a hammer Weapons buybacks in Baghdad are like buybacks in D.C. You sell useless weapons to suckers, and they give you cash to buy more guns Post-Iraq invasion looting may have put nuclear material on the black market Fox TV network fined $1.2 million for indecency. Plans to gradually turn into a hardcore sex channel put on hold indefinitely Town finally decides to get warning siren with battery backup after two twisters knock out power October 12, 2004 After discovering that some restaurants DO give a rat's ass about how food is prepared, man would like to return rat's ass Supreme Court to consider constitutionality of Ten Commandments displays on government land and buildings. Christopher Columbus "systematically murdered nine million indigenous people over the course of 40 years." Hope you had a good Columbus Day You'll be relieved to note that a gigantic bronze statue of Sasquatch holding a case of beer gets the greenlight in small BC town Berlin Wall being rebuilt Russia planning fundamental experiment prior to a manned Mars mission -- just how bad six men will freak out when locked in a little steel tube together for about a year-and-a-half Eminem video makes Michael Jackson ball his hands into little fists of rage Kitten survives being tossed off Ohio River bridge by grabbing a girder, saved by state highway workers Knuckle sandwich served at Pittsburgh diners from 2am to 4am College students abuse "free bike" program French government officials allow cinemas to jam mobile phones Snakebite by an African Puff Snake? No problem, Michigan State Police will drive your anti-venom 250 miles to you in only two hours and 15 minutes. She was OK with the frisking, patting down and use of the "wand" on "all parts of my body," but San Diego woman draws the line over airport screener's request to feel her breasts Teacher tells students to hit back in incident reminiscent of whacking day Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt allegedly getting divorced due to Pitt spending all his time with Angelina Jolie Due to automatic bill payments, no one notices man's death for two years Christopher Reeve dead at 52 City council proposes banning smoking in your own home October 9, 2004 Wannabe basketball player sues beauty salons for failing to make him taller. Due to "printing error", absentee ballots in Michigan would count votes for Kerry as votes for Bush Insurance companies find another way to rob us blind----gas insurance Dutch TV channel wants to label Anne Frank as greatest Dutch person ever. Anne Frank was never a Dutch citizen. No problem, we'll make her one Yellowstone tourist decides to wander off designated trail, falls knee-deep into scalding geyser water. Heard yelling 'Let me show you something.' shortly before incident Livestock slaughter makes it into the curriculum at high school. Ralph Wiggum reaffirms his intention to go to Bovine University when he grows up Make your own ramjet using two travel mugs and sink strainer. MacGuyver unavailable for comment, last seen in break room Sit back and enjoy the ukulele orchestra of Great Britain Terror suspect arrested for buying guns at Krispy Kreme in Nashville. Ex-NASA worker charged with falsifying crucial shuttle exams Unable to differentiate between trees and weeds, Ohio highway worker mows down $33,000 in seedlings. Only thing left behind are signs that read "Do not mow or spray" Martha Stewart checks into prison. Squat and cough ensues Man wipes ass with dollar bills, uses them to pay parking ticket. Jailarity ensues SETI Project loses one state-owned computer. Ex-boss: "I understand his desire to search for intelligent life in outer space, because obviously he doesn't find it in the mirror in the morning" Doctor accidentally plunges to her death trying to get husband's attention High school has "Cross-Dressing Day." Not that there's anything wrong with that Russia to ban beer drinking in public, which is odd because the country considers beer a soft drink Claustrophobic reality-TV show participant dies after being locked in cage three days. If you're in Ohio and your tap water is green, keep in mind that St. Patrick's day is a long ways off Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars undergoes hip replacement surgery. Still no surgery available for career replacement Renault sues owner who told police his vehicle wouldn't stop from 125 mph. Sammy Hagar unavailable for comment Cybernetic glove triples endurance. Strong interest from adult entertainment industry October 6, 2004 Mayor may ban world sexual championships. Clinton offers to host events while his wife is out of town Today's "Tractor trailer spills potassium cyanide on highway" story brought to you by Lancaster, PA Experts name the elementary sum "1+1=2" among the greatest equations of all tim English school bans teenagers in love from kissing, holding hands. J-Lo tells us the secret of a long-lasting relationship Reality TV is out of ideas: Cameras will follow Tommy Lee as he enrolls at University of Nebraska Want to increase newspaper sales by 50,000 papers a day to impress advertisers? Just lie about the numbers. What could go wrong? Your car can now give you a speeding ticket Having run out of women willing to sleep with him after 52 marriages, 72-year-old Malaysian man goes back to his first wife Half of town's residents get arrested in marijuana raids Roses are red, my Johnson's chartreuse, STD e-cards have made their debuts Howard Stern to broadcast on Sirius Radio in 2006 Family of fifth-grade girl finds bones of a child under house. Girl believes it's the remains of her imaginary friend who's been visiting her for five years Gun shop debuts credit card-sized shotgun (with photo) Long-feuding neighbors finally attract police attention after one attacks other with fire, spear gun Impatient shopper straps jet engine to grocery cart Humvees with frickin' lasers on their heads. Sharks surrender Monks in Swiss Alps getting rid of fabled St. Bernard rescue dogs. Little barrels of booze around their necks sold seperately Woman sells rocks during Michigan riot: $1.00 for small stones, $5.00 for large ones. Hey, it paid the cable bill Ricky Williams decides NFL career more important than sitting on couch, tokin' the reefer, and eating Twinkies. Takes first step to returning to pro football Philly restaurant serves $100 cheesesteaks Ashton Kutcher majored in biochemical engineering Forty percent of medical students believe sex with patients is okay Profanity during TV interview may cost Earnhardt Jr. his NASCAR title Two-foot-tall, 14-pound chicken may be a world-record contender. Roman soccer team holds minute of silence in to tribute mafia boss U.S. Air Force develops microwave ray for attacking enemy ground troops, in other news Iraqi insurgents find actual use for tin foil hats Man punches stepson. Police come. Man sets police on fire Note to drug users: When your dealer's house is "swarmed by police cars and local media," take your business elsewhere He still can't get no respect... Rodney Dangerfield dead at 82 John Woo to direct live action He-Man movie. Skeletor to be filmed entirely in slo-mo, encircled by a flock of doves Man dressed as Darth Vader tries to rob pizza delivery guy Long John Silver manager fired for defending self against robbers October 5, 2004 Canadian submarine issues distress call off Irish coast. In other news, Canada has submarines Mount St Helense is blowing more smoke Note to staff: before harvesting organs, hold mirror under donor's nose Moose and man in heroic showdown. Man cheats, uses axe Choosing the right sandwich can help you recover from a hangover or even perform better in bed Pampered poodle survives after 42 days in the wild. With terrifying pic Nature, hearing our desperate pleas, gives us a new leech species. And this one is a foot long and doesn't live in water One of Mike Tyson's bodyguards passes out while having sex in the hallway of a fancy NYC hotel Suspect in drive-by shootings caps the night by accidentally shooting himself in the head Man using torch on missile fairly shocked when missile suddenly explodes Tornado reveals child pornography in Maryland man's home, sending him to OZ Helsinki bank executive slapped with $18,000 speeding ticket for 19mph over limit because Finns levy fines based on income NBA great Scottie Pippen to announce his retirement Man tries to flee police in jacked up car, jailarity ensues Five-year-old boy scares the hell out of a burglar, chases him out of the house Kerry, leader of the party trying to get Ralph Nader removed from the ballot in every state, accuses the GOP of election tampering Internet hoax has people driving around a neighborhood looking for a replica of the Simpsons' house Afghanistan's women riot police uniform includes high-heeled boots and fishnet stockings. Ready to give you the beating of your life... for FREE Jaguar X-Type gets worst rating in side crash tests, however tests failed to account for protection gained from wad of cash stuffed in driver’s wallet New toilet device drowns out embarrassingly noisy bowel movements Murder case reopened after 20 years. "The 14-year-old's clothes were torn, her body had been dragged hundreds of yards and it was then left covered in brush. Yet the medical examiner ruled that Gilbert died from heart disease" Woman solicits naked pictures of her own child for NFL tickets. Via instant messaging (link goes to actual IM conversation) Scientists may have discovered the grave of Genghis Khan. Eastern Europe begins twitching out of reflex Israel kills Islamic Jihad leader L'Oreal plant shampoo pipe bursts on roof. Workers flush shampoo from roof into Beaver Meadow Creek. What could go wrong? Elementary school has kids selling lingerie door to door to raise money for school. Mrs. Robinson is pleased Former Sesame Street animator caught in underage sex sting. Do you know what Elmo is thinking about now? Singapore bank accidentally destroys safe deposit boxes and their contents October 4, 2004 Ukraine holds festival of lard. Well, somebody had to Big chocolate heist in England. Police looking for dwarves with green hair, orange skin Japanese men increasingly prefer to sit while peeing. "Toilet researchers" offer their observations on trend Denmark to claim North Pole as sovereign territory; hopes to find oil, Santa If you're looking for noisy chicken in dark henhouse while wearing nothing but underwear, be sure to bring a flashlight. Penis cutoff-ularity may ensue Latest poll shows 49 percent for Bush, 49 percent for Kerry. In other news, 49 percent of U.S. voters are morons Newspaper that campaigns against porn and violent movies sells porn and violent movies from its site "Cher to show her beautiful nude body on her 60th birthday" Dog in kennel learns to free himself and others for midnight kitchen raids West Virginia State Capitol has been stealing cable service for 20 years This week's headline: Onlookers flock to Mt. St. Helens. Next week's headline: Onlookers critical of government's inability to rescue them from oncoming lava Products we wish Microsoft would deliver Scientists develop lightweight armor for humvees. Ebay auctions beginning soon for desperate parents, spouses, children Regional airport shutdown because of a vibrating sex toy A disturbance felt... as if millions of teenage girls suddenly cried out in terror: Orlando Bloom proposes to Kate Bosworth Quite possibly the coolest mohawk hairdo of all time Every little girl's prayer has been answered: You can now buy the "Hef and the Bunny and the Mansion" Barbie set Virgin Atlantic installs double-beds on planes. Mirrored ceilings coming soon Beerforsoldiers.com ordered to shut down its operation World governments secretly forced technology companies to modify products so that nobody can make their own phony money Survey reveals three out of four women plan to take a man with them when buying a car Man chosen for No. 3 spot in CIA forced to resign from CIA 20 years ago for shoplifting Old-boy club of TV network anchors close ranks around Rather, blame the Internet and now have a true appreciation for how the dinosaurs felt Newest pet craze in Canada: Plague hamster The French are not happy that the GOP keeps using them as an example of an untrustworthy, weak nation Professor wins release of John Lennon's FBI file that shows Nixon wanted to deport him Small Vermont town still can't decide whether having 70,000 Phish fans invade it was a good thing Billy Joel, 55, marries 23-year-old Gun-wielding granny brought down by police U.S. Air Force to begin militarization of space Country music causes people to commit suicide. Lonely Greek men board love bus. Riot ensues over who gets the backseat September 27, 2004 Armed robber knocks over restaurant in JFK Airport. The dumbass tag is for airport security who let him through Ecstasy and mushrooms approved by FDA for trials to treat, among other disorders, OCD. Teenagers and college students everywhere suddenly feeling a little crazy Launch of Canadian manned space mission on hold until they can figure out a way to drink beer in zero gravity Naked Internet model whores herself out to pay back Stanford law school loans. Feds now opening a can of whoop-ass. If you're going to meet your ex-girlfriend in a pub, don't let her buy you beer before you drive off "Welcome to NTL customer services. We don't give a fark about your problem. Now leave us alone" Celebrities regret tattooing their ex-lovers' names on their asses Your wedding was ruined when the reception venue lost your booking, but at least you still have the honeymoon to look forward to. No, wait, that's off as well George W. Bush is a seagull president: He swoops in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and flies away Motorcycle nerds all abuzz at biker's 205-mph speeding ticket. And the bike is not capable of that speed Shopkeeper refuses to sell Playboy mag to 13-year-old boy. Burnination ensues Scientists find promise in stress proteins for preventing breast cancer. Proteins may be created by theraputic squeezing, or at least that's what you tell her Naked pirate discovered on roof of building John Kerry loves his Chinese-made assault rifle. Not yours, though Man threathens to blow up radio station because they won't play Fats Domino Roy Jones, Jr., once the "best pound-for-pound fighter in the world," tastes canvas again for second time in as many fights Ahh, diplomatic immunity -- where you can run red lights in your Porsche, have a policeman put in hospital and still walk free Man applies for job. Company does not hire man. Company makes error and pays man anyway. Man is convicted of theft for cashing the checks that were mailed to him Air Force Academy bows to political correctness, removes "Bring Me Men" sign over front door. Old sign may be purchased by local gay bar Stripper shot when customer can't pay his bill. Refuses to give lapdance back Osama bin Laden robs convenience store "I'm tired of them" says Jeb Bush of hurricanes. "No shiat," say Florida residents UNC professor hosts Playboy "Girls of the ACC" photo shoot in home, buys 10 copies for proof. In other news, Bill Clinton volunteers to be commencement speaker September 20, 2004 Another running of the bulls ... in Texas Turning off T.V. will boost life expectancy, leave fewer commerical jingles in head After a six-year battle, it is now illegal to sell urine in South Carolina. Homebrew is still OK Man attempts suicide by cobra. Police respond, shoot him Women selling nuts told to put some clothes on, stop causing car accidents Sheriff's deputy learns the hard way that being drunk is not a good excuse to give your gun to a convicted felon in a crowded bar As colleges lose long distance revenue to cell phones, they seek new ways to fleece students Students get shot glasses before homecoming Today's "machete-wielding man confronts gun-wielding cops" story is brought to you by Boston Man shot in the Illinois State Capitol Building; building has been locked down American hostage reportedly beheaded in Iraq. Fate of two others unknown at this time Bad: Getting a three-inch nail embedded in your finger. Worse: 22 hours later, you're still waiting to have it removed British Ministry of Defense refuses to recall machine guns which sometimes fire at random Flames seen shooting from Baltimore manhole. A shot of penicillin will clear that right up "I can't come to court -- my hair is a mess." India's railway minister says the Hindu god of machines is responsible for lowering the railroad accident rate in India, hopes the Hindu god of nasty smells starts to work his magic China fines parents over $90,000 for having more than one child. U.S. continues to give parents who have five children and no job free food and medical care Women claim wooden stool made them pregnant Janitor trying to sell drugs at school. What could possibly go wrong? Hazing at all girl school included nudity and truth or dare game Allen Iverson shoes recalled due to choking hazard. Iverson continues to play despite choking hazard Scientists dig up frozen bodies from 1918 flu outbreak to study the virus that killed 40 million. Sounds like any number of horror films just waiting to happen German guys take a RoboSapien, give it a Pocket PC for a head, a webcam for eyes, and make it autonomous. Skynet, like all children, enters its "akward stage" Empty beer can sells for nearly $11,000 on Ebay Deja Vu: Britney Spears marries in a surprise overnight ceremony, officially becomes stepmom of two. MILF rating = 10 Anger-management and addiction counselor gets drunk and uses his pit bulls to attack fellow refugees during hurricane Frances Goat beauty pageant held in Saudi Arabia Snow closes Desert Road Man and his dog decide to "ride out the storm" in home 100 feet from the ocean. Both are saved when runaway boat crashes through second story window Teacher uses beer brewing to teach microbiology. Oddly, politicians object Government is attempting to implant microchip tracking devices in you via pork products Property owner agrees to remove hallucinogenic plants that caused female high school student to threaten to get naked Instead of just locking up inmates in their cells, prison officials decide flat-screen TVs will cut down prison violence Policeman, despondent over marriage problems, points gun at head, fires at point-blank range, misses Inmates make underground fort outside prison walls to lift weights, toss salad Mayoral candidate says his opponent "has a small one" September 18, 2004 Inside the scramble for Bonds' 700th home run ball Man sues wife for not having sex with him Macaulay Culkin Arrested on Drug Charges Man sues wife for not having sex with him Republican staged assault on his three year old girl at Kerry/Edwards rally. Has a history involving similar incidents In the game of rock-paper-sailboat, rock beats sailboat Reporter covers dangerous intersection - huge crash happens behind him, live Waitress arrested for having rude customers killed Man calls during his own funeral, appearently didn't know he was dead till he read his own obituary New fire truck too big for firehouse. Firefighters officially hosed Very small gang initiates new members by killing them CSU student dead from alcohol poisoning, gets to be examined by Coroner Dean Beers The TSA has decided to drop charges against a 52-year-old school teacher for carrying a concealed bookmark. Your Government wants common sense. If you're in the Philippines, be on the lookout for 19 escaped mental patients. Ah, it's great to be young and insane Bic pens pick bike locks. With video Man weighing 280 pounds finds female intruder in home. Tackles and sits on her until police arrive. A drunken Edward Furlong tries to liberate lobsters from their tank at a Kentucky supermarket; neither Project Mayhem nor Army of the 12 Lobsters claiming responsibility As if the people in Alabama don't have enough to worry about: Officials say to be on the lookout for a 1,000 lb. escaped alligator named "Chuckie" Foreign diplomats claim they were taken to fake site in North Korea where huge explosion occured, were tipped off by cardboard sign with "Warning: Hole" written on it in felt-tip Man's testicles ripped off by suspicious wife California man arrested for torturing Afghans. You don't even want to know what he did to the quilts September 3, 2004 Iranian olympian given $125k for refusing to wrestle Israeli Buy a German lake for E29,000. But wait, if you act now, we'll include a WWII British bomber for free. Some assembly required Welcome to the society of lowered expectations Worker at automobile shredding plant crushed when giant magnet accidentally picks up huge object, drops it on him New Orleans man plans on tailgating at fifty college and pro football stadiums. Except in San Diego, where tailgating is considered a funeral Six asshats try to mug a fourth-dan black belt karate instructor. Kick-to-the-throat hilarity ensues Prisoners milk spiders for venom high. Papillon surrenders French mathematician proves Riemann Hypothesis. Six Vikings found burried in Northwestern England. Fans in Minnesota hope that at least one has a better passing game than Dante Culpepper What can a few quarters buy you at the vending machines these days? A whole lotta crappy toys.. Two motorcyclists, with either really good aim or really bad judgement, crash head-on Over 760 Americans lose their battles with chainsaws each week 10 most hated men in rock? 1 most hated journalist. Ball of frozen poo falls into a garden party. Joe Dirt unavailable for comment Retired woman makes comfortable living selling crocheted underpants at the local swap meet. Gnomes said to be headed there in droves Maine farmer driven to his grave on his favorite tractor Chinese women line up to test "female Viagra." Line can be seen from outer space Astonishingly, watching sex on TV linked to teens having sex Dear Annie: My husband fondled a stripper and I tossed him out on his ass. Is that okay? Crybaby Brett Hull says it's no fun playing hockey anymore...fans remind him it's no fun watching him anymore Olympic silver medalist charged in boyfriend's death. Got degree of difficulty points for the rollover crash, but failed to stick the landing Young woman dies in car outside emergency room door because staff refused to go outside 100 lb. woman consumes five pounds of chicken wings in twelve minutes, wins the USA Chicken Wing Eating Championship at the National Buffalo Wing Festival Hundreds flee beach after children dig up bomb Man tries to buy pizza with Monopoly money. Goes directly to jail Woman spends $25K for her cat's kidney transplant Mountain biker drives off grizzly bear with pepper spray Clinton a-ok after major heart surgery. "He's sedated, but arousable" Parents express outrage about Halloween costumes. Company responds by announcing infant-sized pimp and ho collection Israel launches spy satellite into the sea Teacher orders unruly students to lick restroom floor It'll never happen twice: airlines booked so full for 9/11 that prices have gone up Coffee shop owner arrested for trying to remove a urine-soaked homeless guy from his establishment Taxi ride to the airport: £25. Plane ticket from Glascow to Tenerife: £450. Falling headfirst 30 feet to the ground while disembarking your aircraft in front of 234 fellow passengers: Priceless Medieval shipwrek, found, lost and then found again. Hopefully they won't lose it again A race fan's dream matchup: NASCAR's Jeff Gordon vs. F1's Michael Schumacher and it's going to happen Dec. 4th in Paris Indiana University study shows that having children significantly decreases your IQ Golf course records three separate holes-in-one within ten minutes. Paging Mr. Guinness Story about wrappers of fruit chews depicting fruit having intercourse with fruit is just a hoax. Clearly, strawberries and limes would never hook up in real life Research calls for beds to be installed in the workplace King of Swaziland takes 16-year-old Miss Teenage Swaziland finalist as his 13th bride. It's good to be the king Floating church explodes, then sinks. Floating abortion clinic surrenders Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker named top scientists, meep meep meep Scientists were right about predicting a 6.9 quake today. Only got the location wrong by 4000 miles: Japan, not California Pentagon orders investigation of John Kerry's 5 Vietnam War decorations September 3, 2004 Imagine a guy stepping off the Greyhound bus in downtown Chicago carrying to rocket launchers. You'll have to imagine it, because he was stopped in Denver before he got on the bus Desperate Red Sox fans believe Curse of the Bambino was lifted by knocking some kid's teeth out Robbers escape by drilling hole through back wall while cops have front of bank surrounded Catholic Church transfers property that would likely be used to settle sex abuse lawsuits to a shell corporation that the victims can't touch. When asked about the move, they say, ''We don't try to do illegal things" Man's 700-pound bronze statue of a nude Amazon stolen from his front yard. Norwegians strike dinosaur jackpot at North Pole -- with pic Naked man arrested in Iowa for panhandling and wearing only a cardboard box Red Sox player makes team photo for the first time in five years Americans have chosen their favorite restaurants. Olive Garden does well, McDonald's not so much Bikini shows banned in India Vegas telemarketer violates federal "Do Not Call" list over a quarter-million times. "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing" and other Olympic commentator comedy gold Terrorist cow takes out gasoline tanker on Frances evacuation route Jet skier starts to sink during fund-raising challenge; has to be rescued by charity he was trying to help High school footballers pee on freshmen squad's equipment. The U.S. Air Force is sorry that it accidentally tear-gassed an entire neighborhood in Tucson Hulk Hogan wrecks limo, is seen wandering around accident scene yelling, "We're OK, brother" P. Diddy serves dinner guests with a naked woman as the table centerpiece Hard to say what's sadder: The guy who tries to steal 145 pairs of pink panties, or the Victoria's Secret saleswomen who beat him down Philadelphia considers turning itself into the world's largest wi-fi hotspot Dear Students, "Please refrain from sex on the bus during the commute" Ford releases pictures of the V10, 605 horsepower, Shelby GR-1 Concept car. Sexy. Pics included Oliver Stone to receive lifetime achievement award. Society of Paranoid Conspiracy Theory Believing Whack-Jobs says he's truly deserving of the honor Former President Bill Clinton to have multiple bypass surgery Burglar caught as his false leg falls off Parrot raised as "one of the family" likes to feed ducks, whistle at girls and help drive car Never trust a skydiving instructor named Pancake Britney Spears skips out on final performance of kids attending Britney Spears Camp for the Performing Arts. In other news, there's a Britney Spears Camp for the Performing Arts Importing firewood no longer legal in the state of Ohio The next time a punk pulls up next to you blasting bass, don't be mad. Feel sorry for him. He's gonna die Thief tries to cash in stolen lottery scratchcards, does not collect money, goes directly to jail Son, I pulled you over because you've got a bag on top of your car and I don't want you to lose it. What's in it? Oh ho, what do we have here? Man shows how drunk you have to be to believe that stripping down to your underwear will throw police dogs off your scent U.S. soldier killed in Iraq. U.S. Army pays to fly the body to New York, not his hometown of East Chicago. U.S. Army spokesman: "Delta takes Visa, MasterCard and American Express" September 1, 2004 Be careful where you sit. Fourteen percent of Americans admit to having sex at work Surgeons remove two kg of loose change from man's stomach, find explanation for slot in his back Man making sweet, sweet love to his inflatable girlfriend disturbed by all the onlookers and passersby. Can't understand why they don't just continue their shopping, since they're in a mall after all Not-so-funny valentine gets woman 11 years Man forced into closet by home invasion robbers tries to free himself, accidentally fires stored shotgun into gas line of upstairs apartment New study shows vast cultural differences among international Trekkies Man shot in head "for a laugh" Yankees payroll: $183.3 M. Cleveland Indians payroll: $34.6M. Losing a baseball game by more than three touchdowns: Priceless. Duke sucks Eight-thousand-foot burrito made at Nevada State Fair, followed by 8000-foot-line for bathroom Republican delegate begins handing out little purple bandaids to mock Kerry's purple hearts. Kerry responds by filling insurance claim on paper cut Man claims his dog gave birth to kitten Feds shut down the "First National Bank of Bedrock." Became suspicious when bank offered free checking, low interest rates and a "yabba dabba doo time, a dabba doo time, a gay old time" God fails to warn worshipers at Christian festival of the dangers of jumping on temporary seating. Hilarity does not ensue Booty call kills Komodo dragon Yet another reason why the technically inept should not be allowed online: Man blames ISP for sudden appearance of pr0n on his computer Thousands of women as young as five bared their breasts and danced in Swaziland, hoping to become the 20th wife of one of the world's 10 worst dictators Statue of soldier gets penis reduction as part of renovation Brits show they have good taste by pelting 50 Cent with water bottles and chanting, "50 Cent is a wanker" Store clerk accepts $200 bill with President Bush's picture on it August 31, 2004 The Smoking Gun makes a postage stamp with Unabomber's picture on it. Post office delivers it Atlanta Braves player Chipper Jones names his new son after the Met's Shea Stadium. Thousands of New Yorkers are expected to gather outside the hospital and boo Police spot wanted man on TV after he catches a homerun ball at a Cincinnati Reds game Debbie Gibson turns 34 today, plans to celebrate birthday by going to the mall and kicking Tiffany's ass Janet Jackson claims Bush tried to use her boob to distract the public from the war in Iraq Head of Valve Software uses password consisting of his first name and last initial. Someone else guesses this, makes a post that Half-Life 2 goes gold on Monday. Hilarity ensues Montana Fish and Game conducts panty raid on man's "bra fence." No one injured in bust Bank robber tries to rob copy shop thinking it was bank. Gets directions to real bank, experiences some dye-pack fun. Jailarity ensues Moose befriends horse in Vermont, won't leave horse's side. The fact it's moose-hunting season has absolutely nothing to do with it Bear at Berlin zoo crosses moat on log, scales wall, commandeers bike before being tranquilised. Says it was his duty to try and escape Disgruntled nine-year-old Bible school student gets kicked out of church, comes back to spread some fire and brimstone If you've lost your wedding ring, the first thing you might wanna do is have a doctor cut open the golf-ball size growth on your ring finger Woman spends last $2.00 on lotto ticket, wins $18 million Wannabe good Samaritans allow beer-store robber to escape after freeing him from the people holding him down If you're building a new Wal-Mart, don't leave your keys in the construction equipment August 27, 2004 Bush signs executive order to make CIA bigger, stronger Microsoft rushing Longhorn so it can make its deadline. Now described as "XP with a lot of good new stuff" Future serial killer sent to jail for cat burning. Asked police, "What's the big deal? Everyone has hurt cats or squirrels" Sick of drunks who pee behind his business, restaurant owner installs sensor-equipped shower head that drenches offenders with cold watervSick of drunks who pee behind his business, restaurant owner installs sensor-equipped shower head that drenches offenders with cold water "Businessman" gives online kneecapping to his rivals. Don Corleone surrenders Funeral director holds body hostage because family would not buy his overpriced caskets. License suspension ensues World gymnastics officials ask Paul Hamm to give up his gold medal. Olympic-size hissy fit ensues Michael Jordan: Comeback No. 3, age 41? Now you too can have your very own RAH-66 Comanche full-motion simulator Recovering alcoholics biker club hangs out at Starbucks. Already jittery clientele switches to decaf Bush admits Iraq "miscalculation" Hijackers force plane to land in Sudan Man reenacts "Here's Johnny" scene from "The Shining" on his grandmother because he didn't like her egg sandwich Statement from "Islambouli Brigades" website claims responsibility for Russian plane crashes Man watches in horror as alligator bites pet dog's head. Man decides not to watch, whips out pocket knife and opens can of whoop ass Man survives car's plunge over 90-foot embankment onto railway tracks, gets out of car just before speeding train hits it, flips Darwin the bird Hundreds of boxes of evidence found after being misplaced by police since the 1970s. Found items include assorted body parts Office workers using copy machine suddenly find themselves one floor lower Top Gun no more -- the U.S. Navy is retiring its F-14 Tomcats Pregnant inmate forced to have abortion so she'll be eligible for death penalty "Do not call" list has brought back door-to-door salesmen. Authorities advise paranoia, "do not knock" list I’m not sure if that means we'll see 70-year-old grandmothers in latex chaps, but grandpa could be in for a surprise Police investigating statue theft. "A five-foot penguin just doesn't get up and walk away," say cops DEA's intelligence report actually demonstrates how to hide drugs (drug pics) Woman jumps from hotel balcony at suicide prevention conference. The ironic tag surrenders Shopkeeper catches 300 thieves in the act, but only one is actually convicted because police can't be bothered Danny Glover arrested, heard muttering, "I'm getting too old for this shit" Japanese schoolgirls turn sailor suits in fashion statement. Sailor Moon revival in three... two... one... Rodney Dangerfield makes it through heart surgery In hockey, you are consenting to a certain level of assault August 16, 2004 Bush shuffling all his armies - Everyone looks on with bewilderment God misses chance for Old Testament-style smiting as Michael Jackson attends church and visits Sunday School children; leaves unscathed Creator of atificial trees dies at age 72. Will be buried in artificial coffin under grove of fake dogwoods Russian rubles more protected against counterfeiting than U.S. dollar Annoyed commuter starts own train service Pakistan: Bin Laden trail is still cold, chances of finding him are slim until at least late October Comcast mistakenly broadcasts porn instead of Red Sox game Reuters figures out why we're all watching beach volleyball Nude photo shoot draws almost 2,000 to abandoned train station Take a cow to Dairy Queen next week and get a free drink Donkey cart beats Porsche in road race. Need for horsepower questioned Air France told a woman with no limbs that a "torso cannot possibly fly on its own." Obviously did not believe that a "torso" can still sue them back to the Stone Age Pathologists mix up two dead bodies, but persuade relatives that humans change after death Mary Kate and Ashley to have $7.5 million "dorm room," complete with Bob Saget DVD's and a toilet to throw up into NYC skateboarder falls onto red-hot manhole cover -- now she has "CON ED" branded on her bottom Spear guns aren't just for fishing anymore The other Hilton, in desperate plea for attention, pulls a Britney London policemen suspended for taking sexual graft from porn stars U.S. basketball team continues their unabated suckage as they get their asses handed to them by Puerto Rico. Upcoming opponents Outer Mongolia, Little Sisters of Mercy said to like their chances Sharing a crack pipe with your five-year-old is no way to bond Chicago suburb tickets adults for sobriety, sends them to court Teacher asks students to masturbate so class can examine sperm under microscope. Here comes the science. Literally August 5, 2004 After robbing someone, it might not be a good idea stop by a "Night Out Against Crime" street rally, to get a free snack. Jailarity ensues Girl (7) with service dog suspended from school Eighty percent of Germans support Kerry. This handy political advice provided by the people who brought you the Iron Chancellor, the Weimar Republic, and the Nazis. Britons, no more smiling on your passport photo. And comb your hair, you wanker If you're going to forge checks, make sure you spell "Chase Manhattan" correctly La estación de la televisión de Los Ángeles ofrece el nuevo espectáculo de realidad: ¿"quién quiere ganar una carta verde? " New York's governor spotted playing beer pong with his daughter and her friends instead of working on the state budget, which is more than four months late Abbott Labs quadruples price of AIDS drug that was developed using taxpayer funded research Ship goes 20 miles with no crew -- survives waters where many manned ship have sunk Teacher Mary Kay Letourneau's "victim" seeks to get back together with her Arab man "accidentally" tries to board plane with gun, knife, syringes Reports of men with guns in office building turns out to be lawyers having BB gun fight. Jailarity ensues Ricky Williams, after recovering from his pot induced haze, wonders what he was thinking when he announced retirement. Now interested in playing for Oakland instead, even though Miami still owns him In a poll a number of young Britons believe Gandalf defeated the Spanish Armada. Everyone knows it was Sam Gamgee Police issue their first "pooper scooper" citation to the wife of a judge who refused to pick up after her dog For the ladies... the boyfriend pillow. Doesn't snore or fart and has "vibrating arm action" Not to be outdone in Iowa by Kerry waiving corn, Bush eats one raw. Bring on the cattle states Merry jokester gets on PA system of a Carnival Cruise Lines ship at 3:45am to tell 1,000 passengers to "abandon ship." Hilarity ensues August 4, 2004 Spanish thieves steal three tons of poisoned peppers to garnish the three tons of watermelon they made off with earlier In what surely must be a violation of the Geneva Convention, Henry Rollins plans to entertain U.S. troops with a "spoken word" performance Donald Duck turns 70 this year and is now getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Still doesn't wear pants Study finds Boston is the worst city in America in which to drive. Study cites confusing street layouts, congested highways and Red Sox fans leaping off of bridges Plastic cow stolen, feared drowned The Cowboys' season now comes down to 83-year-old Vinny Testaverde after Quincy Carter is released following failing a team-administered drug test Jews are returning to Russia from Israel because they are tired of discrimination and lousy job prospects Kobe Bryant's accuser may drop criminal case While stricken with grief over "missing" wife, Peterson ordered hardcore porn Don't have time to correctly dispose of that unexploded ordnance? Just hide it behind some trees And lo, the third angel did cometh and accredit a union for Wal-Mart workers in Quebec, and a great evil did spring forth Tesco planning to introduce "anti-tantrum" shopping carts that feature educational games, CD players and DVD players. You kid still wants candy Excuse me honey. I am going to be pruning this tree with a chainsaw while you work in the garden right below me. What could possibly go wrong? John Kerry featured in latest issue of Sword of Dracula battling vampires in 1960s Vietnam Steinbrenner to build new Yankees stadium using other teams' money New residents to former rural area upset that longtime racetrack makes noise NY Citicorp building is under such a high threat level that the U.S. government pulls out all stops to protect it. Like sending Laura Bush there By broadcasting F9/11 on Cuban television, Castro may have ruined Michael Moore's chance at getting an Oscar for Best Documentary Monkey kickboxing matches banned in Thailand zoo. Monkey knife fights to continue Flight diverted to pick up Bush twins Pope sets up a new sports department in the Vatican Man's bail set at $0.12, and other creative rulings from one judge President Clinton may host SNL Ten workers arrested after fight breaks out in lift. Finally, proof that crappy lift music drives people insane August 2, 2004 Why America hates soccer Bush proposes new intelligence director. CIA director to be retitled Morale Officer Iranian clerics' foundation sponsoring record number of sex change surgeries Notorious Vietnam prison island where more than 20,000 died gets four-star beach resort Motorist beaten up for driving speed limit Do not repeatedly throw your screaming infant above your head, even if you are at Wal-Mart Metal lunchboxes were popular until 1987, when parents groups started complaining they could be used as weapons Elijah Wood stalker arrested, heard mumbling something about a precious Teen wrecks car while eating corn on the cob. Cell phones surrender Ancient tomb found submerged in water. Your mummy wants a life vest Tip o' the day to drug dealers -- don't wear shirts that say "I Am a Dealer" Nine gunmen obey their gang code of silence and refuse to finger the triggerman in a shooting -- all nine get life in prison Drew Barrymore being chased by French tax authorities for unpaid £500,000 bill. Since money is involved, they promise not to surrender Key West official chicken catcher quits his post Rise in miniskirts signals economy truly on the up Man hopes that First Amendment covers dumping 6,000 pounds of manure on Gay Pride parade Admirers remember Princess Diana by throwing diapers, letting dogs swim in memorial fountain You can now find "MP3" and "DSL" in the dictionary Girl has a chance to be starting offensive lineman on her high school football team. Finding a date to prom is a different story Michael Moore and Bill Maher beg Nader to drop out. Nader cries thinking they called him a dropout. Couple kicked off Miami-NYC flight because of t-shirt depicting a bare breast Republicans planning to eliminate IRS. Kerry surrenders Pentagon looking at producing laser weapons that can stop a chicken in mid-cluck. No word on attaching them to sharks heads Rare white Bengal tiger roams free through park for a half hour Ex-mayor calls cops to remove two women sitting on beach behind his home Kerry slams Bush on intel; forgets as Senate Intel committee member he missed 38 of 49 intel meetings in eight years Old man with suspended license drives his tractor to McDonald's. Hilarity ensues Planned Parenthood t-shirt: "I Had an Abortion" Pair use lottery winnings to feed homeless for over 12 years July 24, 2004 Irrefutable proof that any fool can become a Major League umpire Woman wearing only a bra robs cleaners. Male witnesses unable to give a description of her face A bicyclist performed CPR on man until firefighters arrived, then rode off without mentioning his name Cassini spacecraft sees lightning on Saturn, no word about the rings around Uranus Hangover cure from "expert" includes eating a kiwi and a broth made from bouillon cubes Woman exchanges 1,300 firearms for $65K in police guns-for-cash program New Japanese alarm clock fills bed with compressed air - forcing you on your feet Italian town bans the use of small animals as competition prizes as well as outlawing goldfish bowls World's most expensive car sells for $4.6 million Though most teen pregnancies are accidental, a substantial number of girls want to get pregnant, according to a new study Couple robbed at gunpoint, husband wimps out and tries to run away alone Woman files fake carjacking claim. Allows police to search her home. Police find not-so-fake video of her husband having sex with a child Judge rules curfew unconstitutional Cell phone towers might be used to help detect tornadoes. No word on wheather Sprint will charge $5/mo for this service Ken Jennings smashes the one-day Jeopardy. record earning $75,000, now has won more than $1.3 million An "emergency" conference aimed at preventing the imminent "meltdown of the Internet" soon to convene in Los Angeles Youth foils armed burglers by not opening the door to let them in Waitress who persuaded drunk customer to run head first into a wall is cleared of manslaughter Electrical worker disconnects nuke plant emergency alarm, which went undetected for several days; Homer Simpson called in to investigate Teens build hiker's cabin in woods for free public use -- government knocks it down Condom necklace sparks outrage at a county fair Man ordered to stand trial for assault with a deadly weapon on a police officer claims he has computer chips in his head and that NASA wants him dead Latest virus on the interweb: "Click this file to see Osama's suicide video" Washington takes away man's "GOTMILF" license plate. Britney's application for "SMILF" still in the works "Knight Rider" car for sale on Ebay. Sorry, shag-carpet chick-catching chest attachment not included New glasses have detachable arms that can be used as chopsticks. I have sushi in my ear Iraqi minibus tries to pass another car, ends up playing chicken with a U.S. tank Kerry becomes latest victim of the ol' garlic-powder-in-an-envelope prank. Secret Service seen beating the living crap out of Ashton Kutchner. Okay, we're out of fireworks. What if I soak my shirt in gas and you set it on fire? Owner of pizza parlor across from Democratic Convention gets pissed at ever-changing security rules ruining his business, goes on vacation for convention, puts up giant pro-Bush banner Man emerges from five-month coma after his father promises to buy him a Corvette if he wakes up Man complains to police that someone broke in and stole his cannabis plants. Police unable to charge man as there is no longer any evidence Cops find thousands of pot plants, are waiting for owner to return home from vacation. Expect him to be surprised Female passenger bites male driver's forehead, causing an accident; seals the jailarity deal by spraying the responding cop in the face with WD-40 July 22, 2004 For a mere $41K USD you can own your own inflatable church. Now you can make an honest woman out of your inflatable girlfriend. Jerry Goldsmith, composer of "The Waltons" and "Star Trek" themes, dies Interstate shut down after tanker leaks chromic acid for miles. Dissolving tires was first clue Captin of Turkish merchant vessel off coast of Delaware, impatient with a routine Coast Guard inspection, blurts out he has bomb on board. Hilarity ensues Man's vanity plate reading "NO TAG" gets him 200+ tickets Things not to say while you're robbing a bank: "Call 911, I'm robbing the bank." Obviously, jailarity ensues Government minister tells people who don't understand benefit program to call him. His phone hasn't stopped ringing since Woman drops rare coin worth over $1000 in parking meter. The good news is she can park there for 333 days Why swallow condoms full of cocaine when you can force your dogs to do it? Your government at work: Man wearing only pajama bottoms gets through security at Atlanta's airport, steals a baggage tractor and drives it onto a runway New political party forms, will endorse a candidate for president if he can chug a beer Army surgeons practice free breast enlargements on soldiers and their families Monkey walks upright after recovering from serious illness. Now looking for Charlton Heston City moves to prohibit people from parking their cars in their yards. Rednecks plot revolt against measure Punk band's fan lights himself on fire while trying to siphon gas from their van July 14, 2004 Distraught woman even more depressed after jumping out a 12-story window and landing safely on net Today's deli special at Lowes Foods: Six-piece fried chicken combo. Comes with two sides, biscuit and a free baby's foot Good idea: Buying an aquarium. Bad idea: Shoving your head through the glass Subway bringing Jared back as company spokesman even though no one bought the claim that you can lose 200 pounds by eating hoagies New Jersey appeals court, having lost all touch with reality and other court rulings, says people hit by foul balls at ballparks can sue Half-eaten banana sells for $3000 on Ebay North Dakota man, arrested for possesion of illegal venomous snakes last week, blows arm off with pipe bomb this week. Unfortunately, man still in gene pool Baptist minister gets out of jury duty by bringing loaded 9mm to courthouse Activists plant marijuana outside California Highway Patrol offices. Ponch on "sick leave" Teens burn down own house while trying to make Molotov cocktail Burger King names former Continental Airlines president as CEO. So now workers won't give you the wrong order when you go through the drive-thru, they'll lose your order entirely Man drops trow during airport security screening; asks screener, "There, how do you like your job?" Jailarity ensues Scientists develop new invisible material that can waterproof anything Ken Jennings passes $1 million in winnings on Jeopardy. Now elgible to do it with two chicks at the same time This week's sign that the apocalypse is on us: Fox to start "reality" channel Ditka for senate? It's no joke. Chicago football fans still confused. Clear Channel refuses to display anti-war billboard because it is too political Adding insult to injury, man who shot himself in the TESTICLES sentenced to five years in prison Neighbors finally understand why a steady stream of cars and men visit house where two women live Man in convenience store literally freaks out when Paris Hilton walks in July 5, 2004 Car takes ultimate wrong turn, plows into roof of house Fireworks mortar blows hole in house Formerly irate, now dead, homeowner was told, "Man, you don’t have to be like that over a porch.” In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have been City trash haulers declare they won't take any shit Technically, Berkeley is part of America, but the beliefs, customs and language are as foreign as little green me...er, persons Chicken nugget helps police catch McDonald's robber. Hamburglar unavailable for comment Inventor creates anti-"roofie" beer bottle lock. Thousands of losers will now have a harder time getting sex Piazza to be starting catcher for Roger Clemens in the upcoming All Star game. In other news, Clemens reportedly petitioning major league baseball to not allow Piazza to use a glove during the game Thief, when asked why he clubbed old man over the head, say "Because I'm a bastard." People are paying to walk through radon-filled mines in Montana believing the radioactive gas will cure their ailments Restaurant defies smoking ban with giant statue of pig smoking a cigarette out of his butt EU fines Micro$oft $600 million for exploiting its monopoly. Micro$oft whinges about the fine being too big despite having more money than the entire EU Wimbledon watchers want bigger balls. Here comes the science Women reportedly plowing naked in Nepal June 29, 2004 Twenty percent of Americans buy items from spam emails Karaoke bar patrons take it a little too far with their live re-enactment of "Kung Fu Fighting" First telemarketer charged for violating the DNC restrictions. World chocolate drought ahead. Stockpile now Five-hundred gallons of cooking grease spilled in McDonald's parking lot. Lot now tastes better than McNuggets British father sentenced to 20 years in prison for hiring a gang to rob his drug-dealing son If your dyslexia is so bad you can't read bus destinations or departure times, maybe you shouldn't be a bus driver "Pizza rage" strikes again, as Chuck E. Cheese gets assaulted with slice of pizza Obese siblings sue Southwest Airlines after they are "humiliated" when asked to buy additional tickets for the flight. Senator Clinton: "Expect your taxes to go up. We are going to take things away from you for the common good" Father puts four-month-old in duffel bag at Jersey shore and, "as a joke," asks people if they want to buy him. Seattle coffee yuppies freak when they learn their Starbucks Frappuccinos have more calories than a Whopper Shark attacks man. Man kills shark. Authorities charge man with killing endangered species. Police take five months to find man who jumped custody. Never bothered checking his house to find him I scream, you scream, we all scream for horse-flesh ice cream If you're planning to hold a 19-day cruise, make sure you made the payments on your boat You know all of those official sounding federal fees on your phone bill? They're fake Former hot dog eating champ who won in 1976 when he was only 9 coming out of retirement to bring Belt back to America Pot activists collect 6000 signatures for ballot measure legalizing 1 ounce of marijuana, forget to file petition Jeopardy. champ wins again. Now has won 18 straight games and $601,760 If you're going to grow 150 pot plants, don't do it right above your record shop named "Electric Mindshaft" Man alleges Newport cigarette giveaways contributed to his mother's death The fence was 6 feet high and the pot plants were 7 feet tall. A bad combination, his neighbors say. Village board suspends entire police force. Hilarity certain to ensue Rob Schneider to Roger Ebert: "I wish I could go back in time and get you laid." A blood-soaked customer buying clothes and garbage bags will arouse suspicion, even at WalMart Some random woman commandeers aircraft tug at O'hare, hilarity ensues June 25, 2004 Murder suspect successfully uses the "I'll punch my defense attorney in the face" tactic to get a new trial technique Man runs in and out of stores, makes nonsensical statements and begs for help. Gets handcuffed by cops, then dies NYC puts up fence to keep morons from diving into shallow water. Two morons climb over fence and dive in anyway, become paralyzed, sue city, win $25 million in free taxpayer money Britney Spears confirms she is engaged to Kevin Federline. Countdown to divorce begins in 5...4...3... Australian lawmakers want to put pictures of cancerous lungs and gangrenous feet on cigarette packages 7-year-old's quick thinking behind wheel saves mom In a further attempt to alienate consumers, Beastie Boy's new CD installs a virus Isn't that your psycho-bitch ex-girlfriend trying to ram us from behind? Ten- and eight-year-old kids lead cops on high-speed chase though Pizza Hut parking lot Bush campaign releases new web ad that compares Democrats to Hitler Drunk driver attempts beatdown on arresting officers, then requests leniency by claiming to be a Catholic priest When your wife has a knife in her hand and suggests that she doesn't want to watch soccer anymore. It's a good idea to change the channel David Lee Roth embarks on career as Emergency Medical Technician after finally coming to terms with being washed up North Korea mad at all the attention Iraq's getting, threatens to test nukes so someone will listen to them Bad: Getting kicked off the high school basketball team. Worse: Having your mom punch out the coach I have 6,000 rounds of ammunition, two rifles, a shotgun, a semi-automatic pistol, a revolver, an air rifle, a machete and a hunting knife and I plan to use them -- aawww, look, a cute widdle puppy DMX arrested at JFK for attempting GTA Soft-drink machine dispenses poisonous phosgene gas. Bystanders evacuated when they realize it's not Mountain Dew June 18, 2004 Full-grown prisoner tries to escape through 6-inch window. Hilarity ensues German "samurai" on the loose in woods near Berlin Having solved all their other problems, local politicians debate what color to paint brige...FOR 6 YEARS. Judge orders man to pay $200 a month in "dog support." Your dog wants filet mignon Pistons' 81-year-old billionare owner puts Bono and Janet to shame during live celebration Democrats offering free beer to new voters, hoping that drunks won't remember who raised thier taxes Vandals send driverless UPS truck down steep hill. What-can-brown-smash-for-you ensues Kobe's lawyers gain access to text messages sent by accuser soon after the alleged attack. Omg koby frkd me nda assnowi m gona b richlolol1.111.~.11 TV show which aims to catch criminals on hidden cameras has its camera equipment stolen Two Grand Prairie police investigating reports of an abandoned van in a Wal-Mart parking lot shot by van's occupants, standoff ensuing Bank called racist because they require customers in a high-crime area to go through a metal detector Restaurants in China find that they can make soup more popular by putting opium in it After the stunning success of building a wall to keep terrorists out, Israel decides to build a moat. No word yet on drawbridge, dragons Anna Nicole falls off boat, cracks ribs, seafloor Madonna henceforth would like to be known as "Esther" Having solved all other problems, Oregon city cracking down on naked lawn mowing June 11, 2004 Border Patrol agents upset that their new uniforms are made in Mexico Man decides to look for keys in the middle of interstate. Darwin-arity ensues Couple kicked off plane after other passengers thought they were kidnapping their daughter US Dietary Panel revises Food Pyramid. Beer and Ho-Ho's left off Germany's Euro 2004 team doctor advises players not to have sex before games because of physical and emotional strain involved. Advises drinking heavily instead In an attempt to fight obesity, candy makers to start using healthier ingredients Bank error in your favor. Collect $60,000. Oops, wrong card. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $60,000 Cop: "Excuse me, sir. Do you realise you were travelling at 109 kph in your 15 tonne eight-wheel-drive Light Armoured vehicle?" Driver: "Yes, yes I did" Dear Los Angeles Lakers, you are now our bitch. Love, The Detroit Pistons New graduation tradition: Peeing all over the school Man tired of waiting for his wife, drives car through front of store Gaming community tracks down thieves of much anticipated Half Life 2 game Hanging is now No. 1 form of suicide among American youths 10 to 14 Small plane crashes into sand trap on golf course, blows double eagle and invitation to Masters Famous last words: "Hey, you wanna see my grenade?" Woman can't sue Fenway for foul-ball injury because a central feature of baseball is that batters "forcefully hit balls that may go astray from their intended direction" Man visits son, opens fridge to get some milk, finds body of son's wife stuffed inside June 3, 2004 Yahoo's new anti-spyware program doesn't block spyware from Yahoo partners Churches may lose Tax Exempt status And behold, the forth angel did open his scroll and did proclaim, Hasselhoff and IceT to make rap album, and a great pestilence was loosed upon the land Add "stun gun" to the list of bad ways to discipline a five year old North Korean government recalls all cell phones because their people were becoming too much like the rest of the world In what is certainly a total coincidence, oil prices fall just after Memorial Day Man treated as terror suspect after texting lyrics from Clash song "Tommy Gun" to the wrong number Hilarity ensues in Holland as nudists and church youth groups plan mass bike rides on same day Nothing says "congratulations on getting parolled" like being dragged naked through a prison So an alligator walks into a restaurant... Burglars help out the police by taking pictures of themselves with a stolen camera Man arrested after stripping naked and walking into a car wash Cracker Jack back in the lineup at Yankee Stadium because the lyrics "buy me some peanuts and Crunch 'n Munch" never quite caught on Man changing light bulb on apartment balcony receives shock, plummets 12 stories, bounces off awning and parked car, lives to tell the tale New Zealand entomologist covers himself in killer bees to prove they aren't mean. Later reveals "I was sh*tting myself" Nazi bike rider arrested for trying to spread her collection of 16 bags of dog crap in farmer's market area Paul McCartney admits to drug use during the 'Sgt. Pepper' sessions Doomsday Amendment to the Constitution fails to pass Man orders dog to attack mailman. Off-duty officer nearby responds with revolver, and jailarity ensues Son steals dad's police cruiser to pull over ex-girlfriend Movies may receive R-ratings if characters smoke onscreen May 29, 2004 Texas teen held on $100,000 bail over high school hit list Drowned boy declared dead. Taken to better hospital, where condition was upgraded to "alive" Minnesota gas stations fined by state for selling gas too cheap Cat falls into oil tank, redecorates owners' home Iranian Parliament opens first session with rousing chorus of "Death to America" Chicago alderman insists she accepted help from gang members because she thought they were legitimate businessmen If you're going to eat the evidence before police arrive, make sure you eat all of it Man steals $8,000 to prove his love and buy fiance a new car. "I'm freaked out about this... but at the same time, I love him even more. He loved me that much. I can't believe he did this" Ashcroft forgot to mention terror warning to dept of homeland security Pope says "America is Soulless" Judge orders man's mouth taped shut during trial Study finds only about 15 percent of spammers complying with the CAN-SPAM Act Student downloads course material from Internet. University flunks student. Student sues university for failing to warn him that cheating is wrong Man learns his name means "penis too big" in local language. Hilarity ensues Forest where Smokey the Bear was discovered goes up in flames May 17, 2004 Parents buying "behavior drugs" for their children has risen 49% in five years; good parenting surrenders Thieves steal $150,000 worth of 'Creed' guitars Indoor football team decides to use fireworks in enclosed arena. Hilarity ensues Man who lost finger to Jaguar identified, banned from zoo for life Martina Navratilova still thinks she can lick any woman in tennis Tennessee school football team raising money for new equipment by having people guess exactly where a cow will poop on the football field Make sure you bring enough dynamite when fishing in Vietnam Woman stabs man repeatedly, then goes out to eat Man goes through 14 jars of vaseline while enjoying pornography in motel room; Arrested after cleaning crews find he covered the TV and furniture, too Neighbors play a "prank" and set free 50 cats woman was keeping in her house Elementary school class forgets to lock door during drill, principal goes in and "shoots" all the students to help them better understand the importance of safety procedures Avril Lavigne thinks her bad lyrics are the result of too many carbs in her diet Gas-station owners aren't getting rich off gas price hikes Third confirmed sighting of voracious alien in Virginia Fast food restaurants ration napkins to cut costs. In related news, White Castle and Taco Bell to begin rationing toilet paper Jerry Springer picked by Ohio Democrats to be a delegate. Chairs to be bolted down at convention NASCAR driver who keeps crashing into other drivers is pissed that people think he's doing it deliberately $1,000 omelet has no buyers, manager can't egg-splain why Runaway cow wanted for questioning in connection with damaged vehicle Red Sox rookies forced to dress like Hooters girls on road trip Golden retriever kills tiny poisonous coral snake, wins National Hero Dog award College students attempt to break world record for leapfrogging. All naked participants must complete all jumps Using moving cars for target practice is generally not recommended when trying out your new rifle Spraying the other person with tear gas to win a staring contest is cheating Boy falls from carnival ride after drunk operator throws it in overdrive You know your commute sucks when a steel girder falls on your car May 7, 2004 "Mr. Speaker, I am going to ask her to let me refer to her today as my fiancee." State representative proposes marriage Suspect described as a boy on a bicycle with a $3.5-million cello tucked under his arm 78-year-old retiree scratches his second $1 million ticket, claims "I am pretty happy about it" Kids TP school, get charged with felony The next nutritional fad: Camel milk If you're going to run a pet-burial business, you should know that most people don't like their pets sticking out of the ground Navy vet robs bank, dons scuba gear, hides out in Mississippi river Bear captured while roaming around tech center, said he was just trying to find a good WiFi connection Sasser suspect in custody French policeman arrested for driving drunk wearing nothing but fishnet tights 911 dispatcher fired for union activity. Please hold, your call is important to us. Hold music is "Stayin' Alive" The Atkins diet is killing Krispy Kreme. Meat donut under development Man busted for having naked fornicating Barbies in his front window. Man fakes robbery trying to get life in jail for "three strikes you're out" rule. Disappointed to learn he still has one strike to go "Your honor, will you please instruct the prosecutor to stop trimming his nails and clipping his hair during this proceeding?" May 4, 2004 Report of "excellent work -- once I taped his mouth up..." displeases mother of 11-year-old boy Man seen choking his chicken while watching Cornell Caribbean Dance Association practice through the gym window. Twice Judge busted for hiring underaged prostitutes who appeared before him earlier in court First new songs by The Who in 20 years to be released. Titles expected to include "We Need Money" and "Half of Us Aren't Dead". First confirmed reports of mutants found. Professor X said to be unhappy with their underwhelming super-mutant abilities Hospital giving Detroit Tiger tickets away in effort lure customers. Psych ward patients increase 50 fold One in 10 relationships in Britain end via text message Japanese Coast Guard comes to the rescue of misguided man who believed he could row across the Pacific Family looking to build either strip club or waste transfer station gives town ultimatum of kitty versus litter Next version of Windows will require four to six GHz CPU, a terabyte of storage, 2 GB RAM Coaches give high school basketball player "Crybaby Award" during team banquet May 3, 2004 Robin Williams drops in on Winnipeg graduation party Manny Ramirez, whose brain appears to have been Gephardtized by aliens, will pay part of his own salary to keep Pedro and Nomar on the team Buffett signs on as Kerry's economic advisor. Kerry demands he sings "Margaritaville" People on party boat crowd to one side as boat passes nude beach. Hilarity ensues Man breaks into girlfriend's apartment, proceeds to spray down walls with ketchup and BBQ sauce Son accidentally shoots mother while showing her the new laser-targeting device on his gun A player dressed as Pac-man will run around Manhattan collecting "dots" on the streets. Four players dressed as Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde will attempt to catch him Man shot outside Copacabana night club, Lola unavailable for comment Golfer ordered to pay $2.6 million in damages after his tee shot hit another player in the head Woman receives beatdown for bringing 13 items into the 12 item express lane Man dies after falling out of Superman Six Flags ride. Fall speed reported at "Faster than a speeding bullet." April 30, 2004 New beer can has mini-fridge built into its base, ensuring every mouthful is ice cold. Still no cure for beer goggles Wide-eyed jurors watch prosecutors act out sexual assault in court Texas high school won't allow students to share food. Apparently, one student's brownies were too popular. What a buzzkill DEA agent shoots self in leg during gun-safety class for kids The Olsen Twins get a star on the walk of fame, also looks like they have the combined weight of a small Bolivian child You might want to shut off that wood chipper before trying to clear a jam "Walter the Farting Dog" and "Zombie Butts from Uranus" are blowing away the competition in children's book sales Older Stories

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